


Halves of a broken heart

by Oncer993



Category: Arrow (TV 2012), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Barry Isn't the Flash, Caitlin is still a doctor, Dr. Snow, Eventual SnowBarry, F/M, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Light Angst, Multi, SnowBarry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-16
Updated: 2016-12-16
Packaged: 2018-07-24 10:29:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 29,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7504816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oncer993/pseuds/Oncer993
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Caitlin and Ronnie were supposed to be married. Blissfully married for the rest of their lives. After the tragic fire that consumed him and left her all alone, she moves away. She keeps crossing paths with Barry. Is fate trying to tell her something?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

With a heavy heart, Caitlin closed the door to the place she had called home for the past two years for the last time. The red door on the other side of the glass one stared back at her. Painting it red had been Ronnie’s idea; he said it would make the place look more inviting. She recalled him buying all kinds of home décor books when they first moved in together; for some reason picking the right colors were important to him. Caitlin didn’t really care as long as the place looked decent.

The decision to uproot her life wasn’t one she made easily. She didn’t want to leave, not really, but she _had_ to. Staying in the home they shared hindered her ability to truly grieve and get passed his death. Everything reminded her of him. His favorite mug in the kitchen that she couldn’t bring herself to part with. The remaining clothes she kept after giving most of them away to his friends and family. Even the dripping faucet he never got around to fixing made her think of him.

Stepping out of the house wasn’t any better. She’d run into someone that had heard of his tragic death and they couldn’t stop themselves from offering their condolences. She was touched, but they didn’t understand how painful it was for her to constantly be reminded of it.  So after careful consideration, she decided to move from Starling city to Central City.  

She had her loved one’s support, which further fueled her to go through with her decision. The person who had impacted her the most was Ronnie’s mother. She invited her out for lunch one day and told her that she should do whatever she needed in order to move on. She smiled and said it’s what Ronnie would have wanted. It was true. He had always said that no matter what, he wanted her to be happy. But could she truly be happy again without him?

“Cait you ready?” Jonas, Ronnie’s best friend, was waiting at the bottom of the staircase.

Caitlin nodded her head as she adjusted the box in her hand and began walking down to meet him. “Yeah, I was just reminiscing.”

“It’s not too late to change your mind.” He bumped her shoulder playfully.

“The down payment on my new house says otherwise.” She smiled at him.

A lot of people helped her through Ronnie’s death and Jonas was one of them. He often put on a brave face for her although he was mourning too. She’d never forget it.

She handed the box to one of the movers. The door was slammed shut and the sound of the car starting made it finally click in her mind that she was leaving. In a few hours, she’d be in Starling city starting a new life.

“Thanks for your help Jo.” Caitlin pulled him into a tight hug.

“You never have to thank me. We’re family. Never forget that okay?” He said as they broke apart.

“Yeah,” she nodded trying to keep back the tears.

“I guess I should get on the road. It’s going to be a long drive.”

“Call me when you get there?”

“Of course.” She promised.

Caitlin walked towards the silver car, opening the passenger side door and getting in.

“Ready to hit the road, Snow?” Her best friend, Felicity, asked from the driver seat.

“Yeah, let’s get outta here, Smoak.” Caitlin answered as she buckled her seatbelt.

Felicity turned on the radio and lowered the convertible top as she pulled off, honking and waving a hand at Jonas who still stood in the driveway.

“I’m gonna miss this place.”

Always being the voice of optimism, Felicity looked over at her and said “But this, this is good, Cait. You need this.”

“I do,”

“And we’ll always be here for you. No matter what.”

ₓ

It took the girls a little over six hours to get to Caitlin’s new home. Felicity did most of the driving, but Caitlin insisted that she at least do the last two hours. As soon as they stepped out of the car, they immediately got to work. They carried boxes, gave instructions to the movers, etc. By night fall, all of the furniture was inside and a few essentials were unpacked, but Caitlin still had a ways to go before she could say she was done. For now, they were throwing in the towel.

“I’m beat.” Felicity announced as she flopped on the couch. She was so tired that she didn’t think she could lift another box even if she wanted to. She placed a hand on her stomach when she felt it grumble loudly. “ _And_ starving.”

“Me too. Feel like having pizza?” Caitlin suggested as she reached for her phone on the coffee table.

Felicity nodded her head before she laid it against one of floral accent pillows.

She swiped her thumb upwards as she browsed through the results of her restaurant search before finally clicking on _Allen’s Pizzeria_. It had great reviews and it wasn’t too far away.

“Should be here soon,” Caitlin informed her friend after hanging up.

Caitlin stifled a yawn as she settled into her armchair. They decided to watch Netflix while they waited; her cable wasn’t installed yet so it was their only choice at the moment.

_Ding dong._

“Hallelujah.” Felicity perked up as she realized she’d have food in her system soon.

“You’re _so_ dramatic.” Caitlin teasingly chuckled before going to the door.

She took a peek out of peephole before unlocking it just to be on the safe side.

“Hey, how are you?” The tall, dark-haired delivery boy greeted her.

“Hi. How much is it?” Caitlin asked as she reached into her pocket. She hoped she had enough on her because the last thing she wanted to do was run upstairs to get her wallet.

“I’ll take that. Thank you.” Felicity pushed the door open further to get the two medium sized pepperoni pizzas.

“$10.80.”

Caitlin handed him a twenty. He took the bill from her hand and was counting out her change when the coins slipped from his hands.

“Sorry,” He apologized quickly as he bent to retrieve the scattered change. He seemed to have the worst luck because whenever he’d pick a coin up, it’d slip from his grasp again.

Caitlin felt a pang of pity for the guy. He must have been new on the job.

“You know it’s really okay, just keep the change as a tip alright?” She said after he had dropped the same nickel for the fifth time.

“No, I got it.” He insisted.

“ _Seriously_ , it’s fine.” Caitlin smiled down at him.

He smiled back at her as he stood. “Well thanks. You have a good night and enjoy your pizza.”

“Drive safe.” She said before shutting the door.

“Couldn’t wait for me, huh?” Caitlin tsked with her hand on her hip.

Felicity had already helped herself and was on her second slice by the time Caitlin joined her.

Felicity opened her mouth to say sorry, but it came out a bit mumbled since her mouth was full.

“It’s fine,” Caitlin shook her head with a laugh.

She grabbed a paper towel and got the biggest slice in the box.

“Mmm, this _is_ delicious or I’m just super hungry.”

“or _both_.” Felicity pointed out as she picked up a pepperoni and ate it.

“That too,” Caitlin agreed.

The two of them continued eating until they had their fill. Caitlin disposed of the boxes and they finished their Netflix binge until they fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

It had taken Caitlin a few days to get everything unpacked and set up to her liking. Some days she’d pass a room and decide to arrange something. Other days, she just decided to let it be. She was grateful to be going back to work though; it’d help her mind focus on more important things. Like saving lives and helping people instead of wondering if the yellow rug in her bathroom was too bright in contrast with her shower curtains.

Caitlin had just pulled her hair back into a low ponytail when she heard her phone vibrate. She picked it up and read the text from Felicity, which instantly brought a smile to her face. 

**_Smooches. Remember you rock!_ **

**_Thanks :)_ **

She sent her reply and then placed her phone back into the pocket of her scrubs.

“Alright Snow, you can do this.” She told herself as she stared back at her reflection in the mirror.

She would be lying if she said she wasn’t nervous about going back to work. Central City Medical was bigger and a lot busier than the small clinic she worked in before. She knew she’d have to prove herself amongst her more prestige colleagues as well. But she could do it, right?

 

_“Cait you’re gonna be fine babe.” Ronnie wrapped his arms around her waist as he pressed a kiss against her cheek._

_“What if I’m under qualified? What if they think I’m too young? What—_

_“What if they see how amazing you are and how stupid it’d be to **not** hire you, hmm?” _

_“Ronnie Raymond, always the optimist.” She chuckled as she looked at their reflection in the mirror._

_“Someone’s gotta be. Now leave before you’re late.” He urged her._

_“Fine. Wish me luck?” She broke apart from him and reached for her purse._

_“You don’t need it, Cait. You’ll get the job.”_

_“Have I told you I love you today?”_

_“No, not today,” He grinned at her._

_“I love you. Still, wish me luck!” She called out as she began to leave._

“Ronnie isn’t here anymore to give you pep talks, Cait. Time to do this on your own.” She whispered to herself.

She had just arrived at the hospital and her first day was going to start in ten minutes. Giving herself one final check in the mirror, she willed herself to go inside. She had to be a big girl. She had to believe in herself.

ₓ

Her twelve-hour shift was almost over, thank God, but she felt as though she was barely getting by. All day long she had been questioned by more experienced doctors, not out right of course, but their eyes said enough. It hurt her confidence big time. She had mixed up two patient’s charts, but thankfully realized it before she diagnosed a five-year-old girl with high blood pressure.

She snuck away during her lunch break to go sit in her car. She wanted to break down, she wanted to run home and cry herself to sleep, but she couldn’t. That’d be foolish and weak of her. She was strong or at least that’s what Ronnie would tell her. He had believed she could do anything. When she was having a hard time, he knew just what to say and vice versa.

He had been her rock. _How in the hell was she supposed to do this without him?_ She sniffled and wiped away at the few tears that had escaped.

“Woman up. You **_can_** do this.” She told herself firmly.

When she stepped out of the car, she promised to walk with her head held high and not pointed to the ground like she had been earlier. She’d finish this strong. She survived med school. She got through burying the love of her life. Damn it, she could finish up two more hours. She rearranged her whole life to be here, she couldn’t very well spend her second chance crying and wallowing in her own pity.

“There you are Dr. Snow. I have a patient for you.” One of the nurses told her as soon as she was back on the floor.

She took the chart from her and scanned over it briefly. “Where is he?”

Man in mid-twenties complaining of shortness of breath. He was pretty healthy and seemed to come in for routine checkups his medical history informed her.

“In room 104,”

“Thanks,” She replied before going back down the hall.

“Mr. Allen? I’m Dr. Snow.” Caitlin pushed the door up after her to give them some privacy. “How are you feeling?”

She heard him wheeze as he took a deep breath, trying to get air into his lungs.

“Could you tell me what happened before you started having difficulty breathing?”

He took another raspy breath. “I was…running. Tr-raining for a …ra.ce”.

“Okay, Mr. Allen. I need to have a listen, is that okay?”

He nodded his head. She lifted the back of his shirt and placed the diaphragm part of the stethoscope against his bare skin. He shivered slightly as the cool material made contact with his warm back.

“Just try to breathe a few times for me as normally as you can.” She instructed.

The sound of his shallow, shaky breaths vibrated against her ears. She had heard enough.

“Has this ever happened before? Maybe a history of asthma?” She removed the ear tips and let the device hang around her neck. He nodded his head.

It was then she recognized him as the guy who delivered her pizza. His face wasn’t as hidden by the hat now. Instead his dark brown hair clung against his forehead.

“I know this is a silly question, but did you use your inhaler?”

His brown eyes sparkled with humor for a moment. No, he shook his head.

“Empty.”

“Ah, well that explains some things.” She gave him a warm smile. ”How about we get that refilled?”

He took the empty inhaler from his pocket and placed it in the palm of her hand. She paged one of the nurses and instructed them to give him a short-acting beta-agonist to help relieve his symptoms.   

She waited with him for a few minutes to see if the medication had helped. It did, he told her his chest felt lighter and it wasn’t as much of a struggle to breathe.

“Glad to hear that. I still need to ask you a few more questions before we send you on your way. You said you were training, is it normal for you to feel tightness in your chest when you exercise?”

“No, not really. I usually keep it light though. I signed up for this charity race so I thought I better condition myself for it. I haven’t had an asthma attack in a while so I guess I wasn’t thinking about my inhaler. It was stupid, I know.” He wore a mixture of disappointment and embarrassment as he continued to talk.

“It’s important that you warm up properly whether you haven’t had an attack lately or not. That isn’t something you should skip. And if you’re going beyond your comfort zone, then ease into it. The race isn’t more important than your health.”

“I don’t plan on making that mistake again.” He assured her with a smile.

“Good. Well looking into your history I’d say it’s pretty safe to say you experienced exercised-induced asthma. We’ll write you a prescription to get your inhaler refilled. Take it easy; dress a bit warmer if you’ll be running outdoors. The weather in changing you know? Drink water, you know the usual. I’m sure you’ve heard it before but it’s important that you actually _listen_. I’ll give you a few pamphlets in case you need to refer to them. Any questions?”

“I think you’ve covered just about everything. Thanks.”

“Alright. Also, if you’re going to be training for a while I’d suggest you take your medication before you start exercising as a precaution. Vitamin C + Magnesium can also help.” She rose to her feet and gathered his chart.

“The nurse will come get you when your paperwork is finished. Have a nice day Mr. Allen.”

“Thank you Dr. Snow.” He gave her a grateful nod as she began to leave. He had recognized her too, but he didn’t think it would be appropriate to point it out not to mention the awkward timing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not a doctor nor do I have asthma so I apologize if I got anything wrong. If you find any errors, let me know and I'd gladly fix it :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caitlin goes on a date.

Caitlin was beginning to feel like things would be just fine after all. Over the course of the two months she had been in Central City, she had fallen into a nice routine. Work, home, spending time with Muffins, Ronnie’s cat that she just had to bring with her, and occasionally getting take out just to try something different.

Her confidence was building back up as she began to earn the respect of those she worked with. They no longer cast unsure looks when she spoke. They trusted her to do her job and that’s what she was going to do.

“Hey Dr. Snow is this seat taken?”

Caitlin looked up from her sandwich to see Dr. Wilkes approaching the table in the corner of the cafeteria that had become her usual spot. She shook her head and motioned for him to sit down.

Dr. Wilkes had jet black hair with a few strands of gray in them. Warm blue eyes and a beautifully dimpled smile. It wasn’t uncommon for the nurses to flirt with him. A few rumors were tossed around that he must have been gay since he was so attractive, financially stable but still single. Those had been spread by jealous male colleagues who wanted the attention he received, Caitlin assumed.

Caitlin thought he was friendly enough and they chatted occasionally in passing. Other than that, she didn’t know much about him.

“How’s your shift going?” He asked as he pulled back the top of his yogurt container.

“It’s been fine so far. How about yours?”

“Can’t complain.” He gave her one of his carefree smiles before placing a spoonful of Greek yogurt into his mouth.

“I’ve been meaning to ask, what do you do after work?”

Caitlin was a bit thrown off but the personal question. _Why did he care?_ She took a sip from her water bottle before answering.

“I’m mostly a home body I suppose.”

“Seriously? As a doctor you have to know how important hobbies are, especially with everything we deal with.”

He was right. Although the job was rewarding, it was just as stressful. If you didn’t unwind properly, you’d end up taking it out on your patient or worse, turning to unhealthy methods of coping. Unfortunately, it wasn’t uncommon for some people to hit the bottle before coming in. Caitlin had Ronnie before, not to mention the rest of her family and friends but now…now it was just an empty house with a cat who seemed to only tolerate her because she was all she had.

“I guess I should do some exploring then.”

“You should. If you’re free tomorrow night, why don’t you join me for dinner? I know this great seafood place I think you’ll love.”

“Perhaps another time.” She smiled, trying to let him down gently.

“That’s what you said last time. Now I’m beginning to think I’m the problem. It’s just a friendly dinner amongst friends. We’re friends _right_?”

“We’re _friendly_ I suppose Dr. Wilkes—

“Please call me Brad.”

“I really don’t think it’s a great idea.” She shook her head as she began to wipe her hands with a wet nap.

“Why not?”

“We work together.”

“We’re also adults. I’m single. You’re…single right?”

Her eyes dropped down to her bare hands, more specifically the place her engagement ring had once occupied. Not by choice. She would have been happily married right now, but fate had been cruel and decided otherwise.

“Sorry. I’m being a bit pushy aren’t I? You said no and I’ll respect that.”

Well now she felt bad. Would dinner be so horrible? The alternative, eating alone at home while Muffins coughed up balls of her fur wasn’t exactly better. Maybe it was time to jump back out there.

“No, no…let’s give it a shot.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Should I meet you there?”

She might be agreeing to going out with him, but she didn’t want him knowing where she lived.

“That’ll be fine. I’ll text you the address.”

They exchanged numbers before she left to go back to work. As she walked away, she prayed she hadn’t just agreed to something she’d regret.

ₓ

Caitlin stood in front of her closet surveying the articles of clothing inside. She had no idea what to wear. She didn’t want to look as though she was trying too hard but she wanted to look nice. The evening was already turning out to be frustrating and she hadn’t even left yet.

She tightened her robe around her waist more securely as she loaded up Skype on her laptop. Felicity was always online; she just hoped she wasn’t in the middle of some game when she tried to call her.

The call was accepted, but instead of seeing her blonde friend’s face, she was greeted with the site of the back of her head and a shot at her TV screen. Call of duty.

“Felicity?”

“Yeah, hi Cait. What’s up?” She asked without even making an effort to face her.

“Are you busy?”

“No, no…I can multi-task. What’s up?”

“I sorta need your attention.” Caitlin rolled her eyes as Felicity did a little victory fist pump when she managed to shoot someone from the opposing team.

“Just a sec,”

Caitlin waited, growing impatient with each passing second, until the game was finished. Felicity turned around to face her at last.

“Done?”

“Obviously. Now what is it?”

“I kinda have a date…”

“A date? What kind of date? With who? Why am I just finding out about this?” Felicity couldn’t contain her excitement as she bombarded her with questions.

“I didn’t think it was a big deal. It’s just dinner.” Caitlin shrugged her shoulder.

“I’m hurt, Cait, seriously. I’m your best friend. We sorta have a pack to tell one another everything, remember?”

She was sadly right. When they had been ten, they had created a silly friendship contract and sealed it with a pinky promise.

“Sorry how could I forget?” Caitlin laughed at the memory.

“Where are you going?”

“Some seafood place.”

“Nice, nice…don’t order lobster tails though. They are a bitch to crack open.”

“Dully noted. I actually need your help picking out a dress.”

Caitlin stepped away and reached for two dresses in her closet. One black and another silver.

“So…black is classic right, but the silver one is calling me too. Help?” She held them up on opposite sides of her.

“Hmm, the black one would show off your killer legs more. The silver one—

Felicity squinted her eyes as she moved closer to the screen trying to get a better look at it.

“Is that glitter?”

“They're called sequins.”

“Yeah, yeah whatever. Let me see the backs.”

Caitlin twirled them both around; the silver dress’s back plunged down in the shape of a V.

“I’ve made my choice! Silver one all the way.”

“Somehow I knew the cut would win you over. It’s not too risqué?”

Felicity gave her a ‘really?’ look as she rolled her eyes. Caitlin never went out before she met Ronnie. He had brought out her more adventurous and outgoing side and without him, Felicity feared she’d close herself up again.

She knew losing Ronnie was still fresh on her mind and would be for quite some time. They were head over heels in love from the moment they started dating. Love like that wouldn’t go away so easily. But Felicity also wanted her friend to me happy. She wanted her to live the rest of her life to the fullest.

“It’ll be fine, Caitlin. Take a selfie and tell me all about the date when you get home. _If_ you get home,”

Felicity winked at her before she ended the call. Caitlin closed her laptop and went to get ready.


	4. Chapter 4

Caitlin was a giant bundle of nerves. She couldn’t remember the last time she had even gone on a date; she and Ronnie didn’t have a lot of free time between their busy schedules so they preferred a quiet night in over going out when they had the time.

She stared back at her reflection in the floor length mirror in her bedroom. The dress stopped just below her knee and fit snug like a bodycon dress. The sequins sparkled. The back, which was cut in a V-shape, dipped down to the middle of her back.

She felt slightly self-conscious. The dress was out of her comfort zone. Dating was too. _How in the hell was she going to survive dinner?_

Giving herself one final once over, she checked her makeup and grabbed her clutch before leaving to meet Brad.

×

She allowed the valet to park her car while she went inside. The place seemed upscale; you couldn’t even get in without a reservation. She was guided towards a more secluded area in the back where Brad was already waiting for her. A bottle of wine sat next to him.

“Caitlin, hi.” He got up and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek.

It took everything in her not to turn away from it. She smiled kindly back at him and pulled out her own chair.

“This place is pretty nice,” She said, not sure what else to say, as she picked up the menu.

“I figured you’d appreciate the privacy.”

 _No, I’d prefer to be around other people just in case you get the wrong idea,_ she thought to herself.

The waiter arrived to take their orders. Brad chose the grilled salmon and asparagus. Caitlin settled on grilled halibut with peach and pepper sauce and a side salad.

He gathered their menus and left them alone again.

“Wine?” Brad offered already topping off his own glass.

“No thank you.” It wasn’t that she didn’t drink; she just didn’t feel comfortable enough to drink around him. She still very much had her guard up.

“You look lovely this evening.” Brad said after taking a sip of his beverage. “It's a tad short, but it’s nice all the same.”

 _What exactly was he implying?_ Caitlin thought. “Well I wasn’t sure what type of place it was going to be.”

“It’s my fault. I should have informed you. The dress code is a bit more…well reserved.”

“I think it’s a nice dress.”

“Oh it is, just not for this environment.”

She eyed his attire. A crisp grey button down, black slacks and a matching black suit jacket. He didn’t look too formal himself if you asked her, but maybe it was the label that he judged himself on. She started to say just that; to ask him if the issue wasn’t what she was wearing but the name on the label. She held her tongue and voted against it. Maybe she was reading too much into it.  

She remained silent, deciding to focus her attention on the silverware on the table and not his snobbish demeanor.

×

Their meal arrived shortly and the two ate in silence. Well _Caitlin_ did. She had made the mistake of asking about his education and that sent him into a long drawn out story about his life’s work up until now. Truthfully she stopped listening after he began to brag about his missionary work as if the less fortunate should have been grateful he helped them and not the other way around.

She could see why he was single. He was a looker, but on the inside there was nothing appealing there. Of course for the right woman, and that term was used loosely, they would overlook his superior attitude and narcissism and stick it out for the lavish lifestyle he could provide for them. Caitlin was not that type of girl.

She felt relieved when she had finally finished her food, which she ate almost mechanically. Not caring to savor the taste, just desperate to end the date as soon as possible.

“Would you like dessert?” Brad asked.

“No, thank you. I actually should be going.”

“So soon? The night is still young.”

Caitlin searched her brain for an excuse, any excuse to get her out of here. “I’m on call tonight. I don’t want to stay out too late.” She fibbed.

Brad frowned after he wiped his mouth and hands. “You didn’t mention that before.”

“Must have slipped my mind,” She smiled innocently at him. “I had a lovely time.” Another lie. “Thank you for dinner.”

“Um, right. We must do this again when you're available.”

“Well we can discuss that later.” Caitlin began to stand and reached for her clutch.

“Nonsense, I can’t let you pay.” Brad held up his hand. Caitlin knew it wasn’t out of chivalry. It was more of an ego thing; a man like Brad couldn’t possibly let a woman pay for her own meal. What would people think? Although there was no one around.

“It’s no problem.”

“It is for me. A man should always pay for a date. It’s what my mother always told me.” He smiled. He actually smiled like he wanted a pat on the back for that.

 _Fine,_ if he wanted to pay then she’d let him. _Asshole_ , she thought as she closed her clutch.

“I’ll be seeing you Brad.”

“Good night Caitlin.” She heard him say after a quick gasp. That was right; he hadn’t seen the back of her dress yet. She smiled as she imagined the appalled look on his perfect little face. She had half the mind to turn around and revel in it but that would mean staying longer than she wanted to.

×

Caitlin drummed her fingers along her steering wheel as she waited at the red light. Her mind replaying the date from hell. She wasn’t ready to go home yet where she’d lie in bed still thinking about the horrible date. No, she needed a distraction. Thankfully for her, one presented itself in the form of a bar as she made a right turn.

She went inside. It wasn’t too crowded. A few men hung around the pool table and drunk their beers. A couple danced lazily to the music and the bar was empty save for a dark haired man.

“Is this seat taken?” She asked hesitantly. She didn’t need some girl coming up and getting the wrong idea if he wasn’t here alone.

“No, you’re welcomed to it.” The guy turned around and his eyes light up with recognition. It was the pizza delivery guy and also her patient, Barry. How small was Central city again?

“Hey,” He smiled at her.

“Hey. How are you?” She asked taking her seat on the stool next to him.

“No more asthma attacks,” He smirked.

“Good,” She smiled. “I wanted to ask, what were you training for?”

She ordered her drink after asking the question.

“My school is having a race to raise money for the students. I figured more parents might be willing to donate to the cause if I volunteered to run.”

“You teach?”

He bashfully grinned again. “7th grade biology,”

“Wow, you certainly didn’t strike me as a teacher.”

“What gave it away, delivering pizzas?”

“Yes, that’d be why.” Caitlin found herself teasing him.

“I don’t really do that. My parents own a pizza shop. It was my dad’s idea after he retired from the hospital and mom was happy to go into business with him. They were short staffed that night and I happened to be available.”

“Now it all makes sense. You looked a bit new at it.”

“Heh, yeah, sorry about dropping your change by the way. I still feel bad about it.” He rubbed his neck nervously.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“You look pretty dressed up just to be at a bar, no offense.” Barry observed.

Caitlin nodded her head, thoughts of the date arising again. “I went out earlier; it didn’t exactly go as well as I hoped.”

“You didn’t get stood up did you?”

“No,” She laughed. “It might have been better if I had.”

“That bad huh?” Barry huffed. “His mistake I’m sure or hers if you know…that’s your thing.”

“ _He_ was a bit of a jerk. It’s a shame I work with him so now I can’t avoid him.” Caitlin tsked, taking another sip of her drink.

“Maybe you can hide out?”

“Doesn’t really work out that way I’m afraid.” She smiled at him though.

It was weird how at ease she felt around Barry. He was easy to talk to and didn’t make her feel as though she should be lucky to be in his presence. It was refreshing to be reminded that there were still decent guys in the world after the misfortune that was Brad.

She glanced at the clock just past Barry’s head.

“Is it really _that_ late?” She asked, pulling out her phone to double check.

Barry took his phone out too.

“1:39 A.M.” He told her.

“I should be going. I have a shift tomorrow.”

“Oh,” he tried not to sound too disappointed. “Right saving lives and all that.”

“Mhmm,” Caitlin nodded. “It was nice running into you though.”

“ _Again,_ ” Barry added pointedly.

“Yes,” She grinned at him. “You have a good night, Barry.”

 _She remembered_ , he thought. “You too, Caitlin,” They hadn’t formally introduced themselves but he recalled seeing her name on the receipt. She didn’t question how he knew her name, chalking it up to her maybe telling it to him before.

She turned and left, casting a look back once she was out the door to see him watching her as well. Another smile spread across her face and she could swear she was blushing.

 _The night hadn’t been so horrible after all_ , she thought as she walked to her car.


	5. Chapter 5

Caitlin sighed contently as she rolled over. She dared to peek at her clock although she didn’t have to work today, 6:34 A.M. it read. She smiled sleepily and closed her eyes again. She could rest for a little while longer.

Only she couldn’t. Only a few seconds seemed to pass when she heard someone ringing her doorbell. She groaned loudly as she tossed her comforter back and felt around for her socks.

“I’m coming, I’m coming,” she grumbled to herself as she made her way downstairs.

Tightening her robe, she peered through the peephole.

“Felicity?!” She opened the door quickly. “What are you doing here? Do you know what time it is?”

“Good morning to you too, Snow. Did you forget I was coming today?” Felicity tried to hide the laughter brewing behind her smile. Caitlin was not a morning person and had never been as long as Felicity had known her. It was a miracle she not only did her job so well but enjoyed it too. Maybe coffee helped. No, coffee _definitely_ helped.

The frown on Caitlin’s face said that she had indeed forgotten.

“Come in, come in, the sun is blinding me.” Caitlin waved her in and quickly shut the door.

“Nice robe. Are those rubber duckys?” Felicity snickered as she sat her luggage down.

Caitlin narrowed her eyes at her. “You have pajama pants with dolls on them. Do you really have room to talk?”

“Point taken.”

“I need sleep. Mind keeping yourself busy until I’m ready to function like a normal person?”

Felicity sighed dramatically but nodded her head. “I’ll be fine.”

“Nice to see you, Smoak.” She called over her shoulder as she went back upstairs.

“You too, Snow.” Felicity yelled back, a little _too_ loudly for Caitlin’s liking.

ₓ

When Caitlin had officially woken up later that morning, Felicity insisted that they go out for brunch.

“So what’s there to do around here anyways?” Felicity asked before taking a bite out of her omelet.

Caitlin shrugged. “Whatever you’re in the mood for I guess. I haven’t been out much.”

“Now why doesn’t that surprise me?”

“You know, Felicity,” Caitlin paused to take a sip of her orange juice. “You’re always getting on me about going out but what do you do in your free time exactly?”

She took satisfaction in the stunned look on her best friend’s face. They both knew she was right.

“I do stuff.”

“Oh yeah, online gaming. Real fun.”

“This isn’t about me, Cait.”

“All I’m saying is take your own advice sometime.” Caitlin shrugged.

“How about we both get out then? Tonight? I’ve been checking out some things on my phone while you were still getting your beauty rest.”

Felicity pulled out her phone and began to look at her latest bookmarks.

“There’s speed dating. Sounds fun right? You get to get your feet wet without actually having a real date.”

Caitlin shook her head. “No, absolutely not.”

“Aw come on. It’ll be fun! We’ll make it fun.” Felicity pleaded with her.

“Felicity,” Caitlin sighed as she looked at her very serious face. She wasn’t going to ease up.

“You’re going to hawk me about this until I say yes, aren’t you?”

Felicity beamed and nodded her head enthusiastically. “I’m a hawker.”

“If I don’t like it, then you don’t try to drag me anywhere else?”

“Deal,” Felicity nodded.

“Fine. Brunch is on you by the way.”

“Some hostess you are,” Felicity mumbled as she pulled out her wallet.

ₓ

“Speed dating? Cisco seriously?” Barry passed the flyer back to his friend as he closed the door behind him.

“What else do you have to do?”

Cisco had a point. It was Saturday and he had already graded his student’s papers for the weekend. He didn’t have an excuse but that didn’t mean he had to go along either.

“Doesn’t matter, I’m not going.” Barry said as he opened the refrigerator. 

“Look dude you’re bound to meet a cute girl or two.”

“Yeah and I’ll have a whole 5 seconds to win her over, no thanks.”

“Just come on. If nothing else, it’ll make for a good story at the bar.”

Barry considered this as he took a sip of bottled water.

“You’re always dragging me to things.”

“Does that mean yes?” Cisco nudged him with his elbow.

“Yeah whatever. Just so you know when it sucks, and it will, I’m never going to stop talking about it.”

Cisco just laughed. He had won the argument so it really didn’t matter what Barry said at that point.

ₓ

Caitlin’s desire or lack thereof, hadn’t changed since earlier. Nevertheless, she allowed Felicity to do her makeup, curl her hair and convince her to wear the black dress that had been her second option for her date from hell.

Felicity walked arm in arm with her in the small coffee shop that was hosting the event. She was wearing a tight-fitted red dress and black heels with her wavy hair resting on top of her shoulders. 

“Are we overdressed?” Caitlin whispered.

“Nah, we’re fine.” Felicity replied as she looked around. The other women were already seated. The guys seemed to kind of lounge around. The host called everyone’s attention and her and Caitlin’s head snapped in her direction.

“Let’s grab our seats,”

The two of them took the last two available seats which, unfortunately for them, were on opposites sides of the café. They shot each other small frowns as it began. The timer was set and Caitlin tried her best to mentally prepare herself for the first guy who sat in front of her.

After the 10th guy, Caitlin was ready to go. Either they talked too much, not enough or just stuttered because they were too shy. When she glanced over at Felicity, her luck didn’t seem any better than hers. _Tha_ t at least made her feel better.

“Hey,” said a familiar voice as they took their seat.

Caitlin couldn’t believe it. The surprise registering on his face said that he was just as shocked to see her. 

" _Barry?_ "

“ _Caitlin_?”

They both burst into a fit of laughter.

“Okay so who knew Central city was so small?” Caitlin joked.

“I guess we both do now.”

“Right, we can’t seem to stop running into one another.”

Barry chuckled again as he nodded his head. He was happy to see her here though.

“What are you doing here? No offense but it doesn’t seem like your thing.”

“It’s not. My overbearing but helpful, bless her heart, friend insisted that we come.”

“Ah so you have one of those too?”

Caitlin nodded her head. “Are you having fun?”

“No but I’m hoping that’ll change.”

Caitlin couldn’t help but to smile bashfully at him. “So am I.”

They continued to make small talk, mostly about the dates before they had been sat together. The host announced that they had one minute remaining before they had to switch again and Barry realized he was about to part ways with Caitlin without at least asking for her number.

“Caitlin?”

“Yeah?” She locked eyes with him. He looked visibly flustered for a moment before he opened his mouth again.

“I was wondering, if it’s okay with you of course, maybe I could have your number?”

He immediately chastised himself for sounding so immature. God, he wasn’t in high school anymore.

Caitlin thought it was pretty adorable how nervous he was.

“Sure,” She pulled a sticky note from her purse, because she always carried them just in case, and scribbled down her number.

Seconds after he took it the buzzer sounded off.

“I’ll call you. I promise.” He said as he started to stand.

“I’ll hold you to that.”

ₓ

“Tell me you had a horrible time too.” Felicity said as she slid into the passenger seat.

“I had a horrible time too?” Caitlin laughed as she started the car.

“Good. I feel better.”

“Actually it wasn’t all that bad.”

“ _Oh_?” Felicity raised a brow at her confession. “Do tell,”

“I may have given a guy my number.”

“Shut up! What?”

Caitlin rolled her eyes. “Remember the guy who delivered the pizza the night I moved in?”

“Am I supposed to? I was really hungry then. Speaking of, I can eat now too. You guys have a Big belly burger right?”

“We do. It’s not as great as the one back home though.”

“It’ll do. So he was there?”

“Yup. Tall, dark brown hair. Ring a bell? He’s not really a pizza delivery guy by the way. He’s a teacher and we’ve sorta bumped into each other here and there. He seems like a decent guy.”

Felicity gasped. “Well color me surprised. My mission was a success after all.”

“You’re so silly,” Caitlin laughed while she shook her head. She told her about the previous times Barry and her had crossed paths.

“Cait,”

“Yeah?”

“I’m proud of you.” Felicity said earnestly. Caitlin just smiled back at her as she parked the car. She knew exactly what she meant.

She was proud that she was putting herself out there again. It didn’t mean she was over Ronnie. It didn’t mean that she was anywhere near ready to have that type of commitment again, but she was trying. She wasn’t giving up.

“Thanks,”

“Anytime babe. Now let’s eat, I’m starving!” Felicity removed her seat belt and hurried to the front door.

Caitlin didn’t move as fast but she followed her inside. Once again, today had been one of the good days.


	6. Chapter 6

Felicity entered Caitlin’s room to see if she was finished getting ready for her date. She was very clear when she told her she didn’t want her help this time and she had only relented after much complaining.

“Hey Snow,” She called out as she went to take a seat on her bed.

Caitlin’s slightly jumped; she hadn’t heard her come in. As she turned around, something fell from her hands. Felicity’s eyes followed Caitlin as she bent down to pick it up.

“Cait,” Felicity whispered sadly when she saw what she had been holding.

“I was looking for a necklace. You know I hardly wear jewelry anyways. I guess I forgot I put it in the jewelry box.” Caitlin twirled her engagement ring in her hand. It hurt too much to look at it every day so after the funeral she had placed it on a chain.

“Maybe this is a sign, maybe this means I shouldn’t be going out?”

Felicity shook her head. She knew exactly what her friend was doing; she was closing herself up again and she couldn’t allow her to do that.

“It’s not a sign. It’s just a ring.”

“It’s **not** just a ring!” Caitlin shouted defensively as she bawled the ring up in her hands. Felicity quickly apologized. She hadn’t meant it like that.

“Why do you keep doing this to yourself? Why won’t you let yourself be happy?”

Caitlin ignored her. She glanced down at her hands and began to twirl the ring between her fingertips. She could remember when Ronnie had proposed.

It wasn’t on their anniversary. It wasn’t a special occasion. It was just a typical, boring Monday of all days. She had been doing laundry and had gone to empty his pocket when she found the black velvet box. It just so happened to be the same time Ronnie chose to enter the room.

_“Cait have you seen my--” He stopped dead in his tracks when he realized she had found it._

_“Ronnie?”_

_“Yes?” He visibly gulped while his eyes remained locked on the small box in her hand._

_“What’s this?”_

_“I think you know what is it, Caitlin.”_

_She looked at him. He looked at her._

_“Yeah but why do you have it?”_

_"Technically you have it."_

_When she didn't comment, he continued._

_“Isn’t it obvious?”_

_“Ronnie,”_

_“Okay so this isn’t how I pictured this going.” He sighed as he walked over to her. He reached for the box and she allowed him to take it._

_“Just so you know, I was working on something really romantic.”_

_She watched as he dropped down to one knee, taking a deep breath before he asked her to marry him._

_Although she was seeing this with her own two eyes, she had heard him perfectly too, it just felt so surreal._

_“Cait? Say something.” He said, his voice verging on the edge of pleading._

_“Yes, Ronnie.” She nodded her head enthusiastically and extended her hand, fingers shaking and all._

_Just as nervously, he slid the diamond onto her finger._

_“I was worried you were going to say no.” He said as he stood up._

_“As if,” She smiled and kissed him._

 

“Snow? Hello?”

“Sorry,” Caitlin mumbled and placed the necklace gently down on top of the dresser.

Felicity walked up to her side and rubbed her arm comfortingly.

“I know you miss him. I know you think you can’t be _that_ happy again, that maybe you don’t even deserve it since he’s not here. But you do Caitlin. I promise you do.”

Caitlin turned her head to face her. She appreciated Felicity’s words but they did little to ease her worries.

“Ronnie would want you to be happy.”

“Ronnie’s dead.” Caitlin said as she tried to swallow back the tears. “Dead people don’t want anything.”

“If he were here—

-I wouldn’t be going out on a date.”

“No,” Felicity agreed. “But he’s not. He’s gone and even if you close yourself up and decide you want to be miserable and lonely forever, it won’t bring him back, Caitlin. It won’t change a thing. He’d understand if you moved on but you don’t have to do that right now. No one expects you to go out and get engaged again. We just want you to try, to live. Don’t cut yourself off from the world.”

“I know you’re right. In all honestly I do, but…some days are better than others. Some mornings I wake up and everything is fine. Other days I barely want to get out of bed because I can’t bear to live in a world without him by my side. I know it’s almost been a year. I know everyone expects me to just pick everything up and go on with my life. I want to; I do. But how can I? He was the love of my life, Felicity.”

“I know, hon, I know.” Felicity whispered as she pulled her close for a hug.

“Do you wanna just cancel and eat ice cream all night?” 

Caitlin laughed into her shoulder, a sad one but Felicity was just happy to hear the sound.

“No, I still want to go.”

“Then go, Caitlin. Go out and just focus on having a good time. Don’t think long-term, don’t worry about the past.”

She exhaled and nodded. “You’re right.”

“I’m _always_ right.”

“You’re sometimes right,” Caitlin corrected. Rolling her eyes, she allowed Caitlin to have the final word.

“You sure you’re okay? I know I’m always championing for you to get out and date, but I know it’s not easy. I guess I feel like if I don’t push then you won’t do it.”

“I probably wouldn’t.”

“Thanks, Smoak.”

“Anytime Snow. Now let me clean up your makeup. We can’t have you going out all teary eyed.”

Caitlin laughed in agreement. “We most certainly can’t.”

×

After her makeup was refreshed, Caitlin had finished dressing. She wore a black V-neck t-shirt, a pair of skinny jeans and flats. Barry had said to dress casual and after the last fiasco with Brad, she wasn’t putting the extra effort into dressing up.

She’d be lying if she said the remnants of her mini breakdown weren’t lingering in her mind, but she was determined to push through it. Felicity had been right; Ronnie wouldn’t approve of her wallowing in her grief. No matter what, he wanted a smile on her face.

With him no longer being here, it was up to her to ensure that it happened.

She was surprised to pull up to the pizzeria that Barry’s family owned. _He wasn’t that cheap of a date, was he_? She thought as she killed the engine.

She glanced around the parking lot as she continued on towards the door. It was empty except for two other cars.

At least the door was unlocked when she pushed it open.

“Hey you made it.”

“Hi,” Caitlin smiled at Barry.

“Come on, everything is back this way.”

“What is _everything_ exactly?”

Turns out everything meant a private how to make pizza class. It caught Caitlin off guard; she certainly never made pizza on a first date before or any date for that matter.

“This is new,” She said as she tied the white apron around her waist.

“I hope you like it.” Barry replied.

Cisco was leading the class. Caitlin recognized him from speed dating. She recalled he talked entirely too much about technology and how he was going to “strike it rich one day” with one of his inventions. She admired his drive but found little interest in the subject.

He was a pretty good teacher though. He made tossing pizza dough look effortless while Caitlin had dropped hers several times. Thanks to Barry’s encouragement, she didn’t give up and got it right finally after going through about five different balls of dough.

Once that task was complete, they settled on the toppings displayed in front of them. Cisco went over to help his other “students”, leaving Barry to assist Caitlin.

“So what do you want on our pizza?” He asked.

She surveyed the toppings in front of them. Onions, pepperoni, olives, pineapples, ham and bacon.

“I’m thinking a Hawaiian pizza?”

“Alright,” He scooped up some sauce, already prepared for them, and spread it around. Next he sprinkled some cheese on top while Caitlin reached for the ham and pineapple.

Their fingers brushed slightly as she placed the toppings onto the pizza. She giggled like a school girl and he tried to hide the blush spreading across his cheeks.

“How about a little bacon?” He suggested after he cleared his throat. “Bacon makes everything better.”

“Yes please,” She agreed.

They finished their pizza and went to place it in the oven.

“I have to admit this isn’t what I thought our first date would be like.” Caitlin said as she watched him close the oven door.

“Oh? I hope you don’t think I was being a cheap date. I figured movies and dinner was a little played out.”

“I did actually.” She confessed.

“Ouch,” Barry joked.

“I said _did_ , turns out this isn't so bad. Sorry for dropping the dough on your shoes by the way.” Her first few attempts at tossing the dough landed right on his shoes. He assured her it was okay every single time.

“You gotta let that go,” He smiled. “It’s alright.”

She nodded.

“So do you bring all the girls to your parent’s pizza place?”

“Just the special ones,” He winked at her.

He wasn’t a flirt. He failed miserably at it, but for some reason he felt calm enough to try with Caitlin.

“Aw, well aren’t you sweet,”

×

Their pizza class came to an end when the pizza was done. They shared half out front at one of the vacant tables. Caitlin had to admit, it was pretty delicious. Barry insisted that she take the other half back home with her.

He offered to walk her to her car and she accepted.

“I had a really nice time tonight, thanks.” She said as she tucked a fallen strand of hair behind her ear.

He watched the movement of her fingers before glancing back at her eyes. “I’m glad to hear it.”

“Hopefully this means you’ll say yes if I ask you out for date number 2? I promise we won’t be making anymore pizza unless you want to.” He smiled as her.

“While I enjoyed it, I would like to do something else next time.”

 _So that was a yes_ , Barry thought.

She leaned back against the driver side door, the small pizza box still in her hand. Barry stuffed his hands in his pockets. He didn’t want to say bye just yet.

“Caitlin?”

“Yes?” She answered softly.

 _Was he going to kiss her? Isn’t that usually what happened on first dates?_ She wondered. Her heart began to race as the thoughts continued to swirl throughout her mind. _Did she want him to kiss her?_

He stepped forward. She didn’t look away.

He was definitely going to kiss her. He ducked his head, leaning towards her lips. Instinctively she closed her eyes.

Their lips touched. It was a quick peck and then he pulled away. She didn’t know if she was disappointed or not.

“Have a good night,” He whispered.

“You too,” She gave him a small smile and went to unlock her door.

As she waved at him and began to drive off, she decided she wasn’t disappointed by their quick kiss. She didn’t know if she was ready for anything other than that.

“Baby steps,” she whispered to no one as she continued the drive home.

×

Felicity began to stir awake at the sound of the door opening. She had planned on staying up until Caitlin got back home. Sadly, she ended up falling asleep on the couch.

“How was it?” She asked as she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes.

“Pretty good,” Caitlin said as she shut the door.

“Is that pizza?”

“Mhmm, we made it.”

“ _You made pizza_?” Felicity repeated, thinking she hadn’t heard her correctly.

She gave her a quick recap of their date.

“Well that doesn’t sound so bad.”

“No and it was different.”

“And you got free pizza.”

“Yes, I got free pizza.” Caitlin giggled.

“I like this guy already.” Felicity said before biting into a slice.

Caitlin reached over and plopped a piece of pineapple off one of the remaining slices. “I think I might too,”


	7. Chapter 7

Felicity had returned to Starling City the morning after Caitlin’s date with Barry. They had coffee together one last time and shared a teary-eyed goodbye hug when it was time for her to drive off. It was never easy for either of them to say bye to one another. They had been best friends for years; not having one another within close distance wasn’t something they were quite over yet. But the visits helped, so did the phone calls, texts and skyping.

Caitlin had just refilled Muffin’s food and water dish and waited for her to appear. Seconds later she slowly made her way into the kitchen but wouldn’t eat until Caitlin stepped away. Tsking and shaking her head, Caitlin headed back towards the living room. That cat had some nerve. She never treated Ronnie so coldly and Caitlin had been nothing but nice to her.

Oh well, she shrugged it off to her just being naturally grumpy towards her. Perhaps she should rename her Garfield.

As she was reaching for her remote control she heard her phone beep to notify her of the text message she had just received. She moved her hand over to it instead. It was from Barry and she couldn’t help the involuntary burst of happiness that ran through her.

**_Hi are you busy?_ **

**_No, what’s up?_ **

Instead of replying, he called her. She answered and put the phone up to her ear.

“Hi again,” He greeted with a slight chuckle.

“Hey yourself,”

“I was wondering if you’re not doing anything on Friday, would you mind coming to a small gathering at my place? It’ll just be me and a few friends and by a _few_ I mean like 3.”

Barry all but held his breath as he waited for her to answer.

Caitlin hesitated. If it was her and Barry then sure, but his friends? She had only met Cisco. What if the others didn’t like her or she just didn’t feel comfortable around them?

“Caitlin?”

“I’m here.”

“You don’t have to. It may have been a little forward of me to ask, I’m sorry.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to go.” She quickly assured him.

“Don’t feel like you have to say yes, seriously it’s alright.”

“I don’t. I just…what if they don’t like me?” She asked quietly as Muffins joined her on the couch. It took her by complete surprise when the cat laid down in her lap. She smiled as she rubbed her fur gently. This cat really was a piece of work but she’d never regret bringing her along.

“They’ll love you, they’d be stupid not to.”

“If you really want to go and you’re not just feeling compelled to say yes, it’s a barbecue. Cisco is grilling but you don’t have to bring anything only yourself of course.”

It was so sweet how much of a gentleman Barry was.

“Okay, what time? And I’ll need your address.”

“You sure?” She could hear the hesitation in his voice.

She laughed and Muffins promptly flopped down from the couch and went to sit in the vacant armchair.

Rolling her eyes briefly at her wish-washy behavior, Caitlin answered, “Positive.”

Barry gave her the time and his address and they talked for a couple of more minutes until his lunch break ended.

×

Caitlin dressed in a loose fitting yellow tank top, white shorts and brown sandals. She settled on a floppy hat since the forecast had said it would be sunny and humid and she didn’t know if they’d mostly be outside or not. If she didn’t need it she could always take it off.

As she passed by her mirror, she contemplated switching into a dress.

“Would that be more appropriate?” She asked herself as she took in her attire. Muffins walked by and rubbed her head against her leg.

“Does that mean you like it?” She bent down to give her a rub. She actually remained there and let her pet her for a few moments before running away. Maybe she was finally coming around.

“Okay, I’m going to take that as a yes. I won’t be gone too long. You behave yourself young lady.”

×

As Cisco was removing the ribs from the grill, he nodded for Barry to come over.

“Not to sound like a broken record or anything, but dude are you sure it was the smartest idea to invite Caitlin _and_ Iris over here?”

Barry held his lips into a tight line as he took the now filled tray from Cisco. “It’ll be fine for the last time. Iris isn’t some jealous ex you know that.”

“I guess so,” Cisco shrugged.

“We were friends forever. We gave it a shot and it just didn’t work out. It’s all fine.”

“If you say so,” Cisco turned his attention back to the corn in front of him.

Barry sighed as he went to place the food inside. The doorbell rang shortly afterwards and he went to let Eddie and Iris inside.

“Hey guys,” He greeted them warmly and waved them inside.

“It smells great.” Eddie commented.

“Wish I could take credit for it, it’s all Cisco.”

“Aw but you made something right, Bar?”

“A salad? Although I just had to pour it out of the bag and rinse it.” He laughed.

Iris joined in and patted him jokingly on the arm. “A for effort,”

They all went back outside until Barry heard the doorbell again.

“Expecting someone else?” Iris quirked a brow at Barry.

He just smiled as he walked off.

“What’s with him?” Eddie asked.

“You’ll see.” Cisco said, still feeling unsure about all of this.

The remaining trio took the rest of the food inside and began to wash up.

“Caitlin hey,” Barry pulled her in for a hug.

He smelled just like the outdoors mixed with smokiness. She wrapped her arms around him in return.

“Hey I’m not late am I?”

“No we were just setting the table. Come on,” Without really think of it, he grabbed her hand and lead her towards the kitchen.

“Nice place by the way.”

“Thanks,”

They had been too busy laughing at something Eddie had said so they didn’t hear or see Barry and Caitlin come in until he spoke up.

“Hey guys,” He called.

They all spun their heads in his direction.

“This is Caitlin. Caitlin, you already know Cisco.”

“Hey Cait,” He nodded towards her, already apparently feeling familiar enough with her to address her by her nickname.

“Hello,”

“This is Iris and her boyfriend Eddie.”

“Nice to meet you both,” Caitlin smiled at them.

“You too,” Eddie extended his hand for her to shake and she did.

“Yeah, nice to meet you,” Iris replied after a few moments of silence.

“I hope you’re hungry. Cisco might have gone a little overboard.”

“Well it smells delicious.”

“Thank you, thank you.” Cisco bowed from his seat.

“So Caitlin, what do you do?” Eddie inquired as he took a sip of his beer.

“I’m a doctor. I work at Central City Medical.”

“Get out, you do?”

“Yes,” Caitlin laughed slightly at the surprised look on his face.

“You look super young though. When did you graduate when you were like 10?” He joked.

This earned a few laughs out of everyone except Iris.

“I didn’t wanna be the one to say anything.” Cisco added jokingly.

“I graduated when I was 16, went to college right away.”

“Damn you must be a genius,”

Caitlin shrugged her shoulder shyly. “I wouldn’t say that.”

“Don’t be modest.” Barry smiled at her and touched her hand affectionately. She was surprised by his touch but didn’t withdraw from it.

Iris cleared her throat. “Dessert is in the fridge right, Caitlin want to help me get it?”

“Oh, sure,” Caitlin wiped her hands and followed Iris into the kitchen.

Barry didn’t miss the look Cisco shot him. He just shook his head.

“Got yourself a doctor, Barry. Lucky you,” Eddie elbowed him teasingly.

Iris removed the bowl of fruit from the refrigerator and Caitlin reached for the small plastic bowls on the counter.

“Do you know where the spoons are?” She asked looking around.

“To your left in that drawer,”

Caitlin grabbed one and closed it back. “Thanks,”

“Mhmm, so, how long have you known Barry?”

Caitlin instantly felt tense. Was this the part where she was interrogated to see if she was “good enough” for Barry?

“Not too long. Almost two months,”

“Oh, he’s never mentioned you before.” Iris commented as she helped Caitlin distribute the fruit into the bowls.

“Oh,” Caitlin simply replied feeling a little dejected.

It’s not as though she expected him to go ranting and raving to everyone he knew about her but hearing that did something to the joy she was feeling earlier. It plummeted slightly.

“I mean he was probably getting around to it. He hasn’t dated much since we broke up.”

“You and Barry?” Caitlin looked at her.

“Yes. We’ve known each other since we were kids. He’s always had the biggest crush on me and I guess I thought if you can’t be with your best friend, then who can you be with? We tried it but it didn’t work. I—I don’t know. I loved him but maybe not in the way he needed me to.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“Well it’s nothing to worry about. I’m with Eddie now and couldn’t be happier.”

Caitlin noticed the smile Iris flashed her didn’t seem completely genuine, but then again she didn’t know her. Feeling more and more like the outsider she was, she just nodded her head and followed Iris back into the dining room.

“I thought you said you were getting dessert.” Eddie frowned when he saw the fruit in their hands.

“After all that food, you _need_ some fruit.” Iris teased and sat a bowl in front of him.

“No whipped cream at least?”

“Fresh out,” Cisco laughed.

Barry smiled at Caitlin as she took her seat next to him again. He noticed that she didn’t return it; her eyes seemed to be fixated on her fruit.

“Everything alright?” He dropped his voice so only she could hear him.

Iris glanced their way but said nothing.

“Yeah,” Caitlin whispered back and picked up a piece of pineapple. She didn’t really feel like eating it or anything else, but she forced herself to get through it.

The gathering had come to an end and Barry offered to walk Caitlin back to her car.

“Thanks for coming,” He said once they were outside.

“I’m glad I did. Your friends seem nice.” She said. It wasn’t a total lie; they all seemed nice even if she wasn’t sure how to feel about Iris’s slight over-protectiveness or whatever it was.

“They’re alright.” He smirked. “Did you really have a good time though? You seemed kinda quiet.”

“Mhmm,” She nodded as she avoided his gaze, choosing to look past him at his mailbox instead of directly at him.

“Well I guess this is good night.” He hesitantly took a step forward.

Unlike before, Caitlin didn’t want to kiss him.

“Yes, have a good night Barry,” she stepped back as she opened her door.

He looked a bit thrown off but quickly tried to mask his disappointed. “Drive safe.”

“Will do,” She said and drove off.

Barry watched her go down the street feeling puzzled by what just happened. Did she actually enjoy herself or was she pretending for his benefit? Frowning he shoved his hands into his pockets and went back inside.

“I think we’re going to head out too Barry. I’m stuffed.” Eddie patted his stomach as he got up.

“Already? You’re no fun,” Iris teased.

“Thanks for coming guys.” Barry said.

“Of course Barry, come on Cisco you can walk us to our car.”

“I’m coming, I’m coming.” He called from the kitchen as he was still getting some food wrapped so they could take with them.

Barry insisted saying they couldn’t eat all those leftovers. Well they could, but he wanted to share.

“See you guys later,” Barry called from the doorway. He watched Iris and Eddie get into their car and peel away from the driveway. Cisco remained there waving.  

He felt disheartened that the evening hadn't turned out the way he had hoped. He decided to have an early night, figuring it was better to sleep it off than stay up allowing his worries to haunt him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have a cat (I want one), but I don't have one (yet!). I hope I'm writing Muffins correctly though, for some reason it's important to me lol.


	8. Chapter 8

It had been a week since Barry last spoke with Caitlin. Every time he called all he got was her voicemail, that or when she actually answered, she’d say she was busy. The majority of his text messages went ignored as well. She spared a quick one word reply here and there.

He was utterly clueless about what he had done wrong. Everything was going great until he invited her over. _Had it been too soon?_

Cisco felt a pang of pity for Barry as he joined him in the living room and hung up the phone for him. He was calling Caitlin again and they both knew she wasn’t going to answer.

“Man give it a break would ya?” Cisco sighed, dropping the phone on the coffee table.

Barry stared at it, feeling compelled to pick it up and try again but didn’t. He glanced back at Cisco sadly.

“She won’t return my calls.”

“I’ve noticed.” Cisco lowered the TV's volume and sat down next to Barry. “What happened?”

Barry held his hands up and shrugged. “Your guess is as good as mines.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have invited her to the barbecue.”

“Why not?” Barry shot back defensively.

“You didn’t see how uncomfortable she was because you were just happy she was there. Dude, you don’t introduce your ex to your current; it’s like an unspoken rule.”

“Bull,” Barry scoffed. “Iris isn’t-

“like that? You’ve gave me that speech before, Bar. You also missed the glares she was sending Caitlin all night then.”

“No way. Iris wouldn’t do that. Caitlin said she had a good time anyways.”

“Probably to spare your feelings,”

Barry didn’t like what Cisco was implying, but he was starting to think there may be some truth to it. “So how do I fix this?” He asked softly.

Cisco gave Barry a sympathetic look. He knew he was lacking experience in the dating department. He had only gone out with a few girls before Iris and they never lasted long because who wanted to play second fiddle to another girl? Caitlin was the first girl after the breakup with Iris and Cisco had to wonder was he truly over her or just pretending to be. Observing Iris’s behavior he wasn’t sure if she was over it herself either.

“Have you gone by her place?”

“She won’t pick up the phone so why would she let me in?” Barry gave an exasperated sigh as he flopped back onto the couch. “This all went horribly wrong.”

“Never know until you try. You gotta talk to her Barry, nothing will get fixed until you do.”

“What do I say?”

“The truth?”

“And what is that?”

Cisco rolled his eyes at Barry. He couldn’t be _that_ clueless, could he?

“Dude!”

“What?!” Barry shouted back.

He had tried. He had done all he could and apparently it wasn’t enough for anyone.

“I can’t tell you what to say. This is _your_ relationship.”

Barry felt like he was drifting further out into the sea, getting lost, about to drown any minute. That’s how exhausting this all felt. Maybe he should have stayed single after all. Was he single now? He didn’t even know.

“I’m trying,” Barry said wearily as he rubbed his eyes. “I’m doing my best.”

“I know buddy,” Cisco nodded and patted his back. “Let her know that. Everything you’ve told me you gotta tell her. Maybe Iris too,”

“ _Iris_? What does she have to do with this?”

“Are you legit over her Barry?” Cisco couldn’t help but to ask. He wouldn’t encourage Barry to continue anything further if he hadn’t let Iris go completely.

“Of course,” Barry answered quickly and honestly. Cisco looked at him skeptically but didn’t comment.

“I know it’s hard to believe. I wanted it to work so badly, Cisco, you know that. But it just didn’t. I knew it was better to end it instead of holding on to a fantasy so I did. Was it easy? You know it wasn’t. But I was just happy we got to salvage the friendship…I’m not using Caitlin as a rebound. I wouldn’t do that to her.”

“You care about her.” Cisco said matter-of-factly. He watched Barry fawn over Iris like a lost puppy for years. He wasn’t sure he’d ever see the day where Barry could move on so doubts were to be expected. He hoped for both Caitlin and Barry’s sake, his friend was being honest with him.

“I do,” Barry gave him a sad smile. “For once I felt like I could just be myself around someone other than you guys. She got me; she liked me. Was I wrong?”

“You gotta find out, buddy. Go talk to her man and don’t stop trying until you do but please stop blowing up her voicemail.”

“It’s clear she doesn’t want to talk to me though. I can’t force her.”

“No,” Cisco said in agreement. “Maybe you could _bump_ into her?”

“That sounds like you want me to stalk her…” Barry replied uneasily.

“Right bad idea,”

“Cross your fingers and hope she orders pizza again?” Cisco suggested.

“Cisco,” Barry shook his head. Talking to him hadn’t helped at all. “I need some air or something.” Barry got up and left.

“Maybe you’ll run into her!” He heard Cisco shout before he shut the door.

×

Caitlin knew she was being unfair and a tad bit childish by neglecting to respond to Barry.  As inexcusable as it was, she didn’t know what to say to him. What could she say? “Hey I think your friend hates me, who is also your ex, so yeah this isn’t going to work out.” That was pathetic so she took the coward’s approach and ignored him.

She was pretty busy with work too though, so when she told him that it wasn’t being totally dishonest. Maybe she could put her big girl panties on and just talk to him. Wasn’t communication the key to these things and the down fall when you didn’t speak? Yeah, it was.

“This is all so difficult,” she sighed as she shoved her phone into the pocket of her coat. She’d invite Barry out to the café she frequented for lunch, she decided. If he couldn’t come, she’d just have to think of something else. And if she was lucky enough that he showed up instead of ignoring her like she probably deserved then they could work this out. Whatever it was.

Feeling a little more optimistic about things, she left the hospital and headed to the parking garage.

×

Barry didn't have a destination in mind when he left home. He didn’t say no when he got a text from Iris asking if he wanted to meet her for lunch though.

“Bar,” Iris’s face lit up as she saw him approach. Barry gave her a fake smile as she got up to hug him.

“Something wrong?” She frowned when the hug ended.

“Nothing,” he shook his head and took his seat.

Iris wasn’t convinced. She knew Barry; she wasn’t buying this at all. “Talk to me, Barry,” she urged softly as she rubbed his hand.

The touch was innocent, Barry knew that. He felt like he should pull away though. “Iris,”

“Yes, go on,” She coaxed as she now held both his hands.

Barry looked down at their joined hands for a moment. He should pull away. “You’re over me right?”

Iris was taken back and stunned into silence.

“Of course,” She blinked. “Why would you ask that?”

She still hadn’t let go of him though, in fact her hand seem to squeeze his tighter.

Barry hadn’t heard his phone vibrating in his pocket. He completely missed Caitlin turn away in horror and rush back to her car.

“You’re so stupid!” She yelled out to herself once she was back in the car. She still couldn’t believe what she had seen.

She was calling Barry when she spotted him walking across the street near a small eatery. She had hung up and waved her hands to get his attention but he didn’t notice. He hadn’t heard her when she called out for him either. She watched him approach the table where Iris was sitting.

Of course he was meeting her there. She tried to call him once more after they had sat down, she was going to just leave a message although she should have probably just texted him.

She watched them embrace, still clutching the phone as it rung and felt a pang of jealousy. He looked sad and she wondered why. _Was it because of her or something else_? She thought, redialing the number.

She saw Iris reach out to caress his hand. It became too much when she saw her hold onto both his hands and he didn’t pull away from it. Maybe she had no right to be jealous. Someone could argue she even deserved it for acting as she had for the past week. It didn’t make it hurt any less though.

Before she could react, she turned on her heels and ran back to her car.

“This was all a mistake,” she whispered as she started the car. No longer hungry and desperate for the distraction, she drove back to work.

×

“Bar?” Iris called out. Barry had zoned out and began to look around suddenly. She had never felt so confused in her life. “You’re freaking me out Barry. What is it?”

“Nothing,” He said turning his head back to face her. His hands slipped out of hers and he placed them back in front of him on the table.

He felt someone watching. He could have sworn he heard someone call him too but he didn’t recognize anyone around them. Maybe it was his mind playing tricks on him.

“Sorry, I…Cisco seems to think it was a bad idea to introduce you and Caitlin.”

“Why would he say that?” Iris felt hurt. She and Cisco were friendly towards one another due to them both knowing Barry. She wasn’t aware he thought so little of her.

“Because you’re my ex?”

“Nonsense. I’m also your best friend. I just want you to be with someone who makes you happy.”

Barry just stared back at her. He wanted to believe it, but the more he thought about it, he remembered something changed when the two of them came back from the kitchen. Caitlin had shut down. Iris, well, he wasn’t sure what had changed with her exactly he just knew something did.

“So you’re taking his word over mines?” Iris asked, feeling offended.

“No, no,”

“You are too!”

“Iris,” Barry sighed. He was royally screwing everything up apparently. “All I know is Caitlin won’t talk to me and I have no idea why.”

“So it’s _my_ fault? I thought you told her we dated.” Iris was trying not to get too upset with Barry but it was hard. They’d known each other forever and he had never doubted her before. It hurt to have him think she was being dishonest with him.

“Wait, _what_?” Barry leaned forward. He couldn’t believe his ears; Iris did _not_ just say what he thought he heard.

In her moment of anger, Iris slipped up. Her hands flew up quickly over her mouth. “Barry, I—

“How could you Iris?”

“I don’t understand the big deal. We dated, if she’s so insecure then—

“No,” Barry cut her off again. He raised a finger at her. “You don’t get to do that Iris. You can’t place the blame on someone else. Maybe Cisco was right. Were you really that jealous of her that you had to try to scare her off?”

**Ouch**. Iris felt as though Barry had just stabbed her in the heart. The worst part was she had placed the knife in his hands. She let out a sad sigh.

“Okay,” She hung her head down trying not to cry. “Okay, Barry. I’m not used to sharing you I guess. For the longest time I was the only girl in your life. It was just you and me, Bar, and then you introduce her and…I don’t know what came over me. I want you to be happy, I do, but I don’t want to be replaced.”

“That’s ridiculous Iris! You know no one will replace you.” Barry began to get on his feet. He couldn’t be here right not, not with her.

He had confessed his feelings and she turned him down. After a while, after he had tried to move on and failed she came to him saying she had been afraid. She was scared that if they went down that road it would only end in heart break. Unfortunately, she had been right. No matter how hard they tried, Iris couldn’t love him the same way he loved her. He was the one to end it and when some time had passed, they fell back into just being friends. It was awkward initially but they had too much history together to just fall out of one another’s lives.

Now he wasn’t sure what would become of them. He could never hate her, but right now, he definitely couldn’t be around her.

“Barry wait!” Iris’s chair shot from under her as she rushed to her feet. He walked away but she ran after him. “Just wait!” She grabbed for his arm and forced him to look at her.

“Remember how you felt when Eddie and I started dating? You said you wanted me to be happy but you just weren’t sure you could be around because it hurt you too badly to see it. I never understood it until I saw how you looked at her. You used to look at _me_ like that.”

“Are you saying y—you have feelings for me?”

Iris shook her head and looked down. “No, not in that way. It was foolish of me to think you’d never date again, to think you’d continue to be single. I just need time but I can be okay with it.”

She looked up at him finally and prayed he understood. But Barry didn’t understand. She didn’t want to be with him, clearly yet she didn’t want him to be with anyone either?

“I can’t do this right now, Iris,” He threw his hands up in frustration and turned around. Iris glanced around at the people who were staring. Feeling embarrassed, she grabbed her purse and practically ran to her car. She was grateful they didn’t get the chance to order anything now; she didn’t have to be subjected to even more embarrassment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for typing "happy" so much.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback to Ronnie's death.

Caitlin went through the rest of her shift operating as if she was on autopilot. She was focused enough to do her job well but as soon as she had a break, as soon as she got back to the comfort of her home, she gave in to the weight of everything pressing down on her. Barry, Barry and her, Barry and Iris, and Ronnie. Ronnie was always on her mind even when she wasn’t aware of it. He would always have a place in her heart and she would always feel the hole he left behind when he died.

She felt the walls closing in. She felt hopeless with no way out. On the bright side, she was so tired that she was able to go straight to bed as soon as her head hit the pillow; she didn’t even bother taking her clothes off.

As she drifted off, she felt something snuggle up against her. Muffins. She just barely lifted her hand to pull her close to her.

Caitlin was sucked into a nightmare. One of the worst days of her life replayed in her mind and she had no way of escaping it.

 

_The worn, black leather sofa squeaked as Caitlin leaned back against Ronnie’s chest pressing him further into the cushions. He wrapped his toned arms around her in response._

_“Finally a quiet night in,” She smiled, turning up the volume on the TV._

_“Right?” He kissed the top of her head._

_The scent of her lavender shampoo filled his nostrils. He inhaled deeply; he’d never grow tired of it or her._

_“I love you, Cait, you know that right?” He said as he ran his hand down the length of her arm._

_“Of course I know that, Ron.” Rolling her eyes playfully, she shifted so that she was facing him._

_“What’s on your mind?” She asked, worry evident in her eyes._

_“You worry too much. Can’t a guy tell the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with that he loves her?” He raised a brow as he looked down at her._

_“Yes, but—_

_“Shh,” he silenced her with a kiss._

_She laughed softly against his lips as she kissed him back._

_“I love you, too.” She replied once their lips parted._

_“Good,” he whispered._

_Ronnie reached a hand into the bowl of popcorn nestled on Caitlin’s lap. The two watched the movie mostly in silence. It was Titanic; Caitlin’s favorite movie. Fortunately for her, Ronnie accepted it and learned to stop complaining a long time ago. After watching it about a million times with her, it became a favorite of his as well._

_“I hate this part,” Caitlin sniffled._

_She always got emotional right before Jack slipped under the cold, dark waters never to resurface again. She’d completely lose it when Rose called out to him although his body was well on its way to the bottom._

_“It’s just a movie, Cait.” Ronnie said softly as he held her tighter. Even though his own eyes were getting a little glossy._

_“It is not. It’s a classic.” She corrected him._

_“My apologies. How about we go to bed?” He suggested._

_She gathered the bowl in her hand and started to stand. Ronnie followed suit._

_“It’s only 9:30.” She said._

_On a normal night, she’d have been in bed a while ago with Ronnie snoring as she snuggled against him if he hadn’t been called in. She was a doctor. He was a firefighter. When they weren’t saving lives, they were catching up on much needed sleep. However tonight, luck had shinned down on them as they were both off that day. She wanted to stay up all night with him, not missing out on a single moment._

_“Who said anything about sleep?” Ronnie gave her a cocky grin._

_Caitlin hit his chest playfully as she caught on to what he was implying._

_“Naughty, naughty Mr. Raymond.”_

 

_As Caitlin snuggled her naked body against Ronnie’s chest, she couldn’t help but to sigh contently. Things felt so perfect; so right, whenever she was in his arms._

_“What are you thinking about?” Ronnie asked as he ran his hands through her hair._

_“You and me; our wedding,” she said softly as she planted a kiss on his chest._

_“We could just elope you know?” He suggested jokingly._

_“And have both our mothers kill us? No thank you. I want to live a very full and long life with you.” She laughed._

_“So do I,” He gave her a gentle squeeze._

_As Caitlin was about to lift her head to kiss him, his pager began to go off._

_Caitlin’s mood instantly soured because she knew what it meant. He had to go and their night together was officially over._

_“Do you have to answer it?” She complained as he slipped away from her and reached for it._

_“You know I do.” He gave her a lopsided grin as he picked his boxers up and slipped them back on._

_“I’ll be back before you know it. Don’t worry your pretty little head okay?” He bent down to kiss her forehead before dialing the chief’s number._

_“You better come back Ronnie Raymond.” Caitlin shouted out in her ‘I mean business voice’ as he retreated into the bathroom._

_She collapsed back on the bed as she held the covers tightly against her. She hated that damn pager. It constantly ripped him away from her, but the same could be said about hers. Were they really destined to squeeze moments together while juggling their very busy jobs forever? Would it only get worse as time went on? Caitlin didn’t want to think like that. She loved Ronnie as much as he loved her and she knew they’d fight with everything inside of them to make it work; to make them work._

_She looked over at the door as she heard him rustling on the other side. She decided to get up. It wasn’t like she’d be able to sleep while he was gone anyways. She’d be too busy worrying about him. She threw the covers back and was fastening her bra when he returned ready to go._

_“They’re having a hard time putting a fire out at an apartment complex. They need all hands on deck.” Ronnie told her hurriedly as he finished tying his boots._

_Caitlin bit back another complaint and nodded her head. He was leaving no matter how much she fought him._

_“Be safe and come back to me. That’s an order.” She pointed a finger at his chest._

_He chuckled as he grabbed her hand and pulled her towards him, “Always do baby,” He kissed her quickly and was on his way._

_She pulled her underwear and his discarded t-shirt over her which fit her like a short dress as she made her way downstairs into the living room. The house always seemed emptier when he was gone. It instantly made her feel lonely inside and she looked around for Muffins, their cat. She was more Ronnie’s than hers though._

_“Muffins?” She called out as she flicked the light on._

_She looked around and waited for the little fur ball to appear but she never did. She was probably sleep or ignoring her. Sometimes Caitlin thought she hated her. Shrugging her shoulders, she turned the TV back on and changed it to the news._

_She was hoping to hear about this defiant fire, but unfortunately the story had changed just as she sat down. She watched on anyways. They’d probably go back to it._

_Ronnie and a few more firemen arrived on the scene. They looked up at the flames rapidly spreading across the building and quickly got to work. Every minute was precious and they didn’t have any time to spare. The humidity in the air made it nearly impossible for the fire to stay out, but they kept at it. They managed to get it under control long enough so that Ronnie could slip inside and rescue a little girl. She was only five and her mother, along with her baby brother, was frantic when she realized she wasn’t with them._

_She explained that she had been behind her as they exited the building, but for some reason she didn’t follow them out. Ronnie didn’t need to hear the rest. He promised the mother that he’d reunite her with her child before he took off inside._

_He ran up the stairs that hadn’t managed to fall under the heat just yet and used his axe to break down the door. A small frightened girl screamed as the pieces of wood crumbled._

_“It’s okay, I’m here. I’m going to get you back to your mommy.” He said gently as he carefully walked towards her. The building was unstable and he couldn’t afford to make a wrong move; if he did he’d send them both plummeting to their deaths._

_She wiped a shaky hand across her wet face and nodded._

_“Everything’s gonna be just fine.” He lifted her up and walked over to the window._

_He knew he wouldn’t be able to make it back down the stairs. They were barely stable as he climbed them the first time. He shouted down below for them to set up the safety net and he began to raise the hot glass window. She looked back at him with panic in her wide, brown eyes._

_“No!” she shouted as she clutched onto him tighter._

_“They’re going to catch you. I promise.” He told her with a warm smile._

_She still looked up at him skeptically, but when she heard her mother’s voice she instantly yearned to be reunited with her family._

_“I’m going to drop you down, but they’ll catch you. See those big strong men down there? They won’t let you fall.” He said as he helped her put her legs over the window. It was hot so he tried his best to hold her over it so she wasn’t exactly making contact with the window’s frame._

_“Okay,” She said._

_Ronnie felt the temperature in the room increase and he knew he didn’t have long. On the count of three, he let her go and she screamed on her way down. She landed safe and sound though and he released a relieved breath. Now it was his turn._

_He gripped the windowpane, but his hand slipped._

_“Come on, Ronnie!”_

_“Yeah, I’m trying.” He yelled back trying to mask his fear._

_He smelled renewed smoke before he saw it. The flames followed quickly. In that moment, he froze. He was losing his opportunity to escape with each passing second._

_“Fire’s starting again!” He called out._

_Some of his fellow firemen began to disperse and work on calming the flames again. But it was too late for him, he had used his time to give them a warning and the flames had spread through the room in no time. He knew he wasn’t going to make it._

_He closed his eyes as he watched them, the ring burning bright red and orange blazed around him as it drew closer and closer to him._

_“Stop fucking around man and jump!” A voice yelled._

_“I—I can’t!” His voice broke as it hit him._

_His life began to flash before his eyes. He thought it was something that only happened in the movies, but apparently it wasn’t. Caitlin and their day played in his mind. He didn’t want to die. Not like this. Not before he could make Caitlin his wife. They were supposed to turn old and gray together. He wasn’t supposed to go out like this, but fate had the final say. He closed his eyes as he felt the fire spread up his body. Burning through his uniform and flicking upwards._

_He screamed in agony as it consumed him._

_The fire was put out once again, but Ronnie didn’t make it. There wasn’t a dry face on the scene as his best friend and fellow fireman, Jonas, carried his charred and lifeless body out._

_“Can’t be man,” Dwayne, their fire chief shook his head in disbelief._

_“He’s gone.” Jonas said as Ronnie was pulled from his arms and taken off on a gurney._

_“I’ll tell Caitlin.” He told them grief-stricken._

_Ronnie and him had been best friends since middle school. He’d never get to stand by his side on his big day. He’d never get to have another beer with him at the bar._

_“Fuck,” He dropped his shoulders as he walked off to make the dreaded phone call._

_It’d be better coming from him, the thought, but he knew her heart would break no matter who delivered the news._

_“Mommy is he gone?” The little girl asked as she watched the ambulance drive off with what was left of Ronnie’s body._

_“Shh baby, shh.” The mother cooed as she pulled her child into her arms._

_Caitlin had been drifting off when her phone rung. Her eyes shot up as she reached for it on the table beside her. She didn’t bother to read the caller ID; she just assumed it was Ronnie._

_“Ronnie?” She stifled a yawn._

_“Cait, it’s Jo.” Jonas tried to steady his voice._

_“Jonas?” Caitlin blinked, trying to clear her mind of its fog. Why would Jonas be calling her? Where was Ronnie?_

_“Cait…are you sitting down?”_

_“Why do you ask?” She was fully alert now. Her mind already swirling with the worst possible scenarios she could think of. If Jonas was calling, then it couldn’t be good._

_“Where’s Ronnie? I want to speak with him.” Her heart began to race as fear began to sink in the pit of her stomach._

_She heard Jonas sigh instead of passing him the phone like she hoped._

_“Where is he?” She demanded._

_Her heart already knew the answer. He couldn’t come to the phone because…because..._

_“I’m so sorry Caitlin. He went up to rescue a little girl and—_

_Jonas’s voice began to break. He couldn’t be strong anymore because he had lost him, too. Ronnie was practically a brother to him._

_“I told him to jump, but the fire, it was resilient. God, Cait I wish I could have done something.”_

_Caitlin wasn’t able to hold it together any longer. The phone slipped from her hands with a loud thud as her body crumbled to the ground._

_“Ronnie!” She cried out for him; her body shaking with each sob._

_She couldn’t believe it; she didn’t want to face the facts. Ronnie, her love, her entire world, was gone. It just couldn’t be true._

She bolted upright in bed and she could feel Muffins scrambling away from her.

“Ronnie,” she cried out softly. Her face was wet as her heart raced due to sweat and the tears streaming down.

She desperately wanted to wake up to him beside her, telling her it was just a horrible nightmare. But Ronnie wasn’t there. He was gone and she’d never see him again. On top of her seemingly never ending grief, there was the issue with Barry.

She wiped a shaky hand over her face as she tried to calm down from the roller coaster she had been thrown off of. Her chest heaved until her breathing returned to normal. Muffins hadn’t returned. All that Caitlin had was darkness and loneliness. It was surrounding her, engulfing her and she was tired of being trapped in its clutches.

×

Predictably Caitlin didn’t get any more sleep that night. She lied in bed until the sun had come up and then dragged herself into the shower. The water stung but she didn’t care, at least she felt something other than heartbreak.

She went through the motions of making coffee and attempting to drink it when she heard her phone ring. She jumped. She hadn’t expected anyone to call; she didn’t want anyone to call. She was grateful that it wasn’t Barry or Felicity however she was highly annoyed that it was a telemarketer. She hung up the phone quickly and just turned it off altogether.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember the angst in the tags? Sorry :(


	10. Chapter 10

Barry went on almost mechanically. Work, home, sleep or what little he could get and then repeat. Cisco didn’t bother asking what was wrong; he knew. He also hadn’t spoken with Iris. He thought about calling Caitlin even texting her but each time he attempted, he ended up putting the phone back down.

So he put up walls. He closed himself up and just got through each day.

×

Caitlin jerked her head upwards as a patient was pushed down the hall hurriedly on a gurney. She barely had time to step out of the way. She caught a glimpse, a very quick one at the person lying there. Her breath froze in her chest at the sight of them. _Barry_.

He hadn’t looked like he was hurt. There wasn’t a scratch on him from what she could see, but then again she barely got a good look at him. She gripped the clipboard in her hand tighter and tried to hold it together.

Whatever was going on she trusted her colleagues to see to him as best they could. She just hoped he was alight.

She managed to get through her shift somehow. She hadn’t mixed up charts; she hadn’t given anyone the wrong medication. She was reluctant to leave until she found out why Barry was here. Walking up to the nurses’ station, she was about to ask for help when she heard someone calling her from behind.

“Caitlin!” Turning around she was face with none other than Iris.

Iris looked like she had been crying. Puffy eyes, red nose. A wash of relief seem to overcome her when she saw Caitlin though and the other woman wasn’t sure why.

“Barry…do you know where he is? I need to see him. Tell me he’s alright.” And just like that, the panic had returned. Caitlin pushed aside her own worries and slight confusion to comfort her.

“Okay first let’s breathe, okay?” She guided her away from the stares they were getting.

Iris looked at her and nodded, breathing in and out.

“Good,” Caitlin encouraged. “Just breathe,”

Once it seemed like Iris had calmed down, Caitlin stepped away to find Barry’s room number. She returned to Iris to tell her the information.

“You’re coming with right?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Caitlin answered honestly. She had been pushing Barry away and he had even given up reaching out to her. It was too late; the damage was done she was certain.

“Look I’m sorry,” Iris blurted out, surprising her so much that she closed her mouth. “I didn’t mean to come off like such a bitch. For the longest it’s just been Bar and I. I never took him dating other girls seriously before me because I knew how he felt. You were the first person he dated since our breakup.”

 _So was she jealous?_ Caitlin thought. “It’s not only that, Iris—

“No, let me finish. I don’t love Barry in _that_ way. I wish I did, well I used to anyways. Either way I was the only girl in his life. The only one that seemed to matter and I guess I’m not used to sharing him.” Iris smiled sadly at her. “I see the way he looks at you. He got so angry with me when he found out I told you about us too. Barry cares about you, Caitlin, and I hope you care about him as well. Don’t let me get in the way of that.”

Caitlin wasn’t sure how to process Iris’s apology.

“Please?” Iris begged genuinely.

“I’ll walk with you to the door and that’s it.” Caitlin said firmly. What Iris didn’t know was Caitlin was battling her own demons. Just showing up and telling Barry sorry wasn’t going to fix this; she didn’t know what would.

“Okay,” Iris nodded, trying to mask her disappointment.

True to her word, Caitlin escorted Iris to Barry’s room quietly. She left after Iris started to walk in.

×

Iris began to crumble as she got to Barry’s bed. He didn’t physically look bad except for his pale skin. Exhaustion, that’s what his face read.

“Bar,” She whispered.

His eyelids fluttered before he slowly opened them.

“Iris,”

His voice sounded even worse. She recalled the phone call she got from the hospital. They were each other’s emergency contacts. He had an asthma attack and was struggling to breathe. Thank God some guy on the track found him or it could have been much worse.

“What the hell were you doing?”

Barry opened his mouth to explain but she shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. You could have died, Barry. Do you realize that? You’re my best friend. You almost left me.”

She sounded equal parts angry and hurt. Still she reached for his clammy hand and squeezed it softly.

“Don’t scare me like that again, okay?”

“Okay,” He said hoarsely. “I look worse than I feel if that makes you feel any better.”

“Don’t be a smart ass when you nearly died,” Iris scoffed as she smacked his arm lightly.

He laughed and then coughed. Iris helped him take a sip of water and he calmed down.

“They’re gonna keep me over night but I can breathe again. Thank God.”

“You were training again weren’t you? Barry you know your dad would just donate the money to the school. You don’t need to participate in the race.”

“It’s not about the money,” He frowned. “I wanted to do it for the kids.”

“Well, being a hero is going to get you killed someday Bar. People die from asthma. You know that right?”

“Yes,” He closed his eyes and turned his head. He had been told it too many times to count. Limits had been placed on him all his life out of fear he’d push himself too far.

“I’m tired, Iris.” He lied. He just wanted to be alone.

“I’ll be back tomorrow.” She promised.

“I’ll probably be released then. Tell Cisco don’t bother to come by either.”

Iris shook her head, muttering something about how stubborn he was as she left.

×

It was well past visiting hours. Caitlin should have gone home a while ago herself, yet she couldn’t leave. She needed to see Barry. Her mind wouldn’t let her rest until she set her eyes on him and saw how he was doing.

She waited until the nurse left his room and was a good ways down the hall before she let herself in. Acting and not thinking, she turned the knob and stepped inside.

Barry was sitting up blankly staring ahead at the television.

“Did you forget so—

“Hi Barry,” Caitlin said slowly.

“Caitlin,”

She took a slow step forward. She didn’t go up to his bed but didn’t move to sit in the chair either.

“So asthma attack huh?

He nodded. It was no point in lying, he was sure she had seen his chart.

“I didn’t prep like you told me to. I guess I was too distracted to. I just wanted to run, to let off some stream. Stupid asthma,” He looked down, angry with himself and his lack of thinking but also angry with being weighed down with a condition he never wanted, never asked for.

Caitlin probably should have offered him words of encouragement but she couldn’t. Seeing him throw himself a pity party stirred something within her. The more she watched, the more she thought on it, the more irritated she got.

“No, Barry. Your actions are what landed you in that bed, not the asthma. You’ve had it all your life. You were reckless and foolish. I hope it was worth it.”

“Damn right it was,” He spat back. “I want to run to make those kids proud. My students, they deserve to see that they don’t have to let limitations define them.”

“Is it about that really or are you trying to prove something to yourself?” Caitlin crossed her arms.

“You can’t run in the race. Your doctor won’t sign off on it. You know that, right?”

“What gives you the right?”

“I beg your pardon?” Caitlin blinked, taking off guard by his rising tone.

“I said what gives you the right? You come in here lecturing me but won’t even pick up my phone calls. My texts go ignored. You just acted as though I didn’t exist and didn’t even tell me why!”

Her heart beat faster. She didn’t have an excuse, not a valid one.

There was so much she wanted to say, _needed_ to say but the words refused to come out. She just continued to stare. Her arms had dropped down to her sides by now.

“Still not worth an answer?” Barry questioned bitterly.

He had tried; God knows he had. He didn’t deserve this cold shoulder treatment.

“You don’t understand,” Was all she could muster.

“I don’t.” He agreed. “So tell me,”

“You don’t understand.” She repeated, shaking her head. “Do you know how I felt watching them wheel you in here? I felt helpless. I save lives; it’s _my_ job but I---I couldn’t do anything but watch. “

His own rage wouldn’t let him comment. He just glared back angrily at her.

“Damn it, you can’t keep putting yourself in dangerous situations!” She shouted at him. Tears had begun to well up in her eyes and that’s when Barry felt guilty. He had caused this. Her pain, her distress. He had never wanted to do that.

“Caitlin, I—

“No!” She sobbed. “You can’t just let other people help you, can you? God, I won’t go through this again. I won’t lose someone else.”

“Someone else, Caitlin what are you talking about?” Barry asked. He wanted to reach out to her. Wanted to hold her and assure her it’ll all be okay. They’d talk it out properly and get through it.

Caitlin gasped and put her hand over her mouth. She had said too much. She hadn’t been thinking. Shaking her head, she started to retreat.

“No, please, Caitlin. Tell me, please?” Barry pleaded. If only he wasn’t so weak he would have gotten out of bed.

It was too much. Ronnie and Barry. Losing Ronnie, fearing she’d lose Barry, it clouded her brain like heavy fog. Thinking she couldn’t let anyone close again because she’d lose them. The worries, the doubts; it was suffocating her.

“I have to go,” she said apologetically and left.

Barry stared back at the closed door. _Just what had happened?_ He wondered.


	11. Chapter 11

When it came time for Barry to be released it was his mother who picked him up. He wished it was anyone but her; his father would have been the worse candidate though. She stood by his side quietly while the doctors ran some final test.

She hadn’t said much of anything but that changed once they got inside her car.

“Barry,” She said calmly, but he knew she didn’t have to raise her voice at all to make him feel like he was a 10 year old being lectured again. The softness in her voice made him feel guiltier than his father’s stern one ever did. He never wanted to disappoint her.

 “Imagine me getting a phone call from Iris, not you, not the hospital that this family donates so much money to we could practically own it, telling me about your condition. Imagine the blood practically draining from my face when I learned that this was your second trip due to an asthma attack. Barry, are you imagining it?”

“Yes,” He replied. _How could he not when she put it that way?_

“Now imagine my face when I entered your room seeing you lying there. You looked so pale, so fragile, Barry. It broke my heart.”

“And your words are breaking mine’s”, Barry muttered under his breath as he looked out the window. Nora had heard it alright but didn’t say anything.

“You may be an adult but you’ll always be my baby. You can’t scare me like that or your father. Is that understood? Barry, look at me.”

He turned his head to meet her eyes as she briefly took them off of the road. “Promise me you won’t be so foolish again.”

“I promise,” He said softly.

He definitely felt like a child again. He recalled when they first found out he had asthma, the painful way. His parents all but forbid him to play sports. He couldn’t even go outside much and when he did it felt like a luxury.

“If I had just used my inhaler it--”

“I don’t care. I don’t want to hear about what you _should_ have done. I just want you to be careful. I want you to use that brilliant head of yours and think. You can’t afford not to.” She gripped the wheel with her left hand and used her right one to push his hair back and rub his forehead.

It was something she’d do whenever he wasn’t feeling well.

“I want you safe, alive, Barry.”

“Mom everyone is really blowing this out of proportion. It’s been years since I’ve had an asthma attack. I got a little careless, I know that. I wished you’d all just forget it and move on.” He said bitterly as he looked back out the window.

“Just forget and move on? Okay well, I’ll remember that when I’m planning your funeral after you get _careless_ again.” She scoffed as she shook her head.

It didn’t take long before he heard the hushed sniffles. He sighed as he reached over and rubbed her shoulder.

“I didn’t mean it like that. Please don’t cry.”

But it was pointless, he watched as a couple of tears spilled from her eyes. By the time they arrived to his house, she was able to properly wipe her face. With a final blow and a quick wipe of her hands with an antibacterial napkin, she turned to face him.

Her puffy eyes and red nose twisted his heart with guilt.

“I’ll check on you more often. Would you like me to come by later? I can cook. Spaghetti perhaps?”

“You don’t have to do that. I’ll be fine.”

“Just please take care of yourself,” She pleaded before reaching over to hug him.

He unbuckled his seat belt so he could meet her half way.

“I will. I love you mom.”

“I love you too, my sweet boy.” She pressed a kiss to his cheek before he got out of the car.

“I’ll call you later!” She promised. He waved as he watched her drive away.

“So, you tried to kill yourself huh?” Cisco joked as he opened the door for him.

“Not now, man.” Barry sighed as he walked past him.

“I was just messing with you. You’re alright though, right? Iris told me what happened.”

“Just fine, Cisco, just fine,”

×

“Oh, Cait I wish I could be there.” Felicity said after Caitlin finished getting her up to speed on what was going on in her life.

“Don’t Lis, you have a life of your own.”

“No I don’t.”

“You _do_ and I’ll be fine.”

“You shouldn’t be alone. You need a friend, you need me and I’m stuck here drowning under all this work they keep shoveling my way.” Felicity sighed angrily on the other end of the phone.

“I have Muffins.”

“You mean the cat from hell?”

“She’s been nice lately thank you very much.” Caitlin told her as she watched Muffins play with her ball of yarn from the corner of her eye.

“See, if that devil-cat is on her best behavior then you know something is wrong!”

“You’re so dramatic. I’m gonna be alright, honestly. I just--” She paused to take a deep breath. “I wish I could hit fast forward to the good part you know?”

“Don’t we all, hon, don’t we all.”

“How about I let you get back to the mountain of work you have to do?”

“Are you sure? I can blow it off.”

“Positive. Bye Felicity and thanks.”

“What are sisters for? Bye Cait.”

While her problems were nowhere close to being solved, she always felt better after talking to Felicity.

Sighing, she got up from the couch and reached for her keys. Fresh air, getting away from these four walls, that would do her some good or so she hoped.

“Muffins, be a good girl okay?”

The cat looked up briefly as if she understood and went back to playing.

“Alright, I’ll miss you too.” She said as she set the alarm.

A drive to a hole in the wall restaurant that served to die for mac and cheese turned into being stuck in traffic. At the first opportunity to get to an exit, she took it and ended up at a park eating an ice cream cone from the ice cream truck. It sure wasn’t as delicious as the mac and cheese but it was something.

Sitting on a bench, she took in her surroundings. A few people were walking their dogs. Young mothers were pushing their kids on the swings. Two elderly men were playing chess.

The air around her was warm, but every now and then a refreshing wind blew by.

It was a beautiful day and she could feel the happiness all around her. But she felt as though she was in a glass cage and that happiness just wasn’t tangible for her. She could _see_ it; she just wasn’t allowed to have any for herself.

She felt herself sinking, drifting dangerously close to depression territory. Waves of it would hit her from time to time. Nothing had been as bad as the time after Ronnie’s death though. She had been an utter mess.

Thinking back on the short time she spent with Barry made her heart heavy with regret. He had been so good to her, so good for her and now it over before it truly had the chance to blossom. Was she doomed to destroy any once of happiness she was lucky to find?

She wanted to apologize; pick up the phone and explain everything but she couldn’t. She just couldn’t.

Lost in her own mind, she didn’t hear her phone ring until the call had almost ended.

It was a Skype call from Jonas. Quickly she answered.

“Jonas,” She gave him a small smile as she stood to go back to her car for privacy. She deposited the remainder of the ice cream cone on her way.

“Cait, hey. I’ve been meaning to call you sooner and check in but I’ve been busy. Life and all that.”

“Oh please, it’s fine.” She waved off his attempt to apologize as she shut the door to her car.

“How have you been, really?” He asked with a sudden seriousness.

“I’ve been okay.”

The look he gave her told her he wasn’t buying that. “You sure?”

“Yes. _Why?_ Did Felicity talk to you?”

He looked down to avoid her accusatory eyes staring back at him from the screen.

“Jonas,”

“She might have said you needed a friend to talk to.”

“What else did she say?”

“She was pretty tight lipped on the details.”

Caitlin sighed. She knew Felicity had meant well, honestly, but she often times overstepped her bounds.

“It’s nothing I can’t handle. I don’t want to talk about me, what’s going on with you? Anything exciting?”

Jonas didn’t want to switch the tables, but he didn’t want to make things worse by pushing her to open up if she wasn’t ready.

“Well yes, actually,”

“Oh?”

He chuckled nervously. “You won’t believe it.”

“Try me,” Caitlin smirked.

“I uh, I got myself engaged, Cait.”

His face lit up like a Christmas tree and Caitlin couldn’t help but to feel a wave of happiness for him.

“Get out, really Jo?”

“Yeah,”

“Congrats! Who’s the lucky girl?”

“Remember Anna?”

How could she forget? Anna was the one girl who wouldn’t put up with Jonas’s bullshit. The one girl who had the courage to leave him when he couldn’t give her the love she deserved. Caitlin liked Anna; she respected the hell out of her too.

“Yes,” Caitlin answered slowly and waited for him to go on.

“Well I finally pulled my head outta my ass. She actually reached out to me after,” he paused and by the look on his face Caitlin knew where the conversation was going. She nodded, giving him permission to continue. “After Ronnie. We kept in touch here and there. When she told me her job was relocating her back to Starling I figured it was my chance. I could make things right, make _us_ right. Still surprised the hell out of me when she said yes,”

“I’m happy for you Jo.”

And she was. As happy as she could be.

“Thanks,” He replied earnestly.

“If you need any help, ideas or whatever just ask. Seriously don’t hesitate.”

“I know Cait, thanks again.”

“Give Anna my number and tell her I said congrats too. When’s the big day?”

“We’re shooting for a summer wedding. _She_ is rather and I’m going along with it.” He chuckled.

“Well it is her big day. You’re just there to make her look even better.”

“And I’d gladly do that.”

Caitlin’s heart swelled with pride at hearing just how honest Jonas sounded. She had seen him go through too many girls to count. She always knew Anna was special though. She was happy they worked things out and prayed that Jonas had truly changed. Although she didn’t doubt that Anna would leave him at the altar the second she realized he wasn’t going to change.

“Speaking of the bridezilla, she’s calling. I gotta take this.”

“Of course, take care Jo,”

“You too Cait,”

She slipped her phone into her pocket and started up her car. With a sniffle and a quick wipe of her eyes she drove away.


	12. Chapter 12

The day of the benefit race came and Barry refused to leave his room. It was childish he knew, but he felt like he had failed his students and didn’t want to show his face. Not even for support. Cisco left the house after pleading with him outside of his door with no avail. Iris waved him over to her spot on the bleachers when he arrived.

“No luck huh?”

“Nope,” Cisco shook his head. “I don’t get it. He’s acting like a moody teenage girl.”

“Well Barry is pretty sensitive and he’s hurt.” Iris replied in his defense.

It was true.

“What are we going to do about it?”

Iris just looked back at him; His look of concern mirroring hers.

“I haven’t the slightest idea Cisco but I do know we can’t allow him to continue like this.”

“Damn right,” Cisco nodded.

The race started and they shifted their eyes below, trying their best to pay attention to the track.

×

Barry rolled over from his spot on the mattress. He mechanically reached for the remote and flipped through the channels until the doorbell interrupted his search.

His first thought was to ignore it; the person would just go away. They were persistent though. They had rung it again and again until he got up and angrily opened the door.

“What?!” He yelled before realizing just who was on the other side. Henry Allen.

“Dad,”

“Can I come in?”

Barry nodded and stepped aside for him. Henry looked around, silently judging the state of the living room before taking a seat on the couch.

“How are you feeling son?”

Barry sat next to him wondering just how honest he should be. He and his father weren’t the closest. He was a workaholic and he didn’t see much of him growing up. He never felt comfortable opening up to him, not like a son should.

“I’m feeling better,”

“Good. Breathing okay?”

“Yeah,”

“You know when your mother told me what happened I almost wanted to laugh. The irony of a doctor’s child dying in such a way…”

Barry mentally rolled his eyes. His parents could be so dramatic it should be a crime.

“Dad, mom already gave me this speech.”

“I’m not here to give you another one.” Henry held up his hands in surrender.

“You scared me Bar,” He said honestly. “I know I’m not the warmest person but you’re my son, my only child. Just think of that next time alright?”

Barry looked at his father, taking in his features. Etched onto his face was a mixture of guilt and sadness.

“Alright,” He said softly.

“Do you uh…wanna talk about anything else?”

“No,”

“Okay,” Henry wasn’t one to push when it came to talking about one’s feelings. It made him uncomfortable but he felt as though it was important for Barry to know he was there. He could come to him if he wanted to.

“Well,” Henry started to stand. “Clean this place up and shave that thing off your face won’t ya?”

Barry managed to crack a smile. “I’ll get right on that dad.”

Henry reached out and cupped his shoulder, squeezing it gently and then pulling Barry into a hug. After the shock wore off, Barry returned the embrace.

“I love you son.”

“I love you too dad.”

With that, he walked him to the door. Barry scratched the back of his neck and blew out a huff of air. That was probably the more emotional he had ever seen his dad. It just took him nearly dying to see that side of him. He wasn’t sure how to feel.

Shaking his head, he decided it might be better not to focus on that. He had enough on his mind as is. He cleaned up and headed upstairs to shower. He had to admit he felt a little more like himself now that he was clean and his face was free of his five o’clock shadow.

×

Later that evening, Barry caved in and went out with Cisco and Iris.

“I’m glad you finally crawled out of that hole of yours man. I was worried.” Cisco said half-teasing.

“Yeah, yeah,” Barry laughed. “I’m alright,”

They all knew he was saying that more for their benefit than his own. Iris just accepted it, happy that he was at least trying enough to pretend.

“Bar have you talked to her at all?” She asked softly as the waiter left with their food order.

“Not since the accident.”

“So she did come by?” Iris asked.

“If you want to call it that…” Barry picked up his mug of beer and took a long sip.

“Well what did she say?” This time Cisco asked.

Barry sighed, avoiding the looks from his friends. “She was acting a bit weird. I don’t really want to talk about it guys.”

“Okay,” Iris said firmly. “Just know we’re here whenever you’re ready.”

“Thanks,”

They filled him in on the race. Eddie, who Barry asked to run in his place, managed to come in fourth. He also found out about his father’s rather large donation. It didn’t surprise him though.

“The kids had fun?”

“Oh yeah, just a sec,” Iris took out her phone and pulled up the recording from his class. He watched, feeling a bit teary-eyed as the group of eighth graders waved and gave him good well wishes. It made him kick himself for not having the balls to show his face. He had let them down twice over now.

“They weren’t upset. They just want you to get better.” Iris said when she pulled the phone away. She could see the guilt written all over his face no matter how hard he tried to mask it.

“If you say so,”

She shared a glance with Cisco who just shrugged.

“You know your dad is being honored at the hospital right?” Cisco switched gears.

“As he does every year,”

“You’re up to going?”

“I’ll be there.” Barry answered.

“Alright, good. I know he’d hate it if you miss it.”

“Yeah how bad would that look for him?” Barry scoffed before downing the rest of his beer.

Before either Iris or Cisco could say another word, their food arrived.

Barry dug into his pasta. Iris fiddled with her salad quietly and Cisco took a bite out of his burger. The dinner had turned out way more awkward than they predicated. Somehow, some way, they had to make this right. They hoped the annual event at the hospital would be the right place. After all, a certain _doctor_ was expected to be there.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry and Caitlin have the long awaited talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not saying this is going to make you cry. It's pretty emotional though.

Caitlin stared back at her reflection after she was done applying her lipstick. Pressing her lips together, she rubbed the muted mauve color together and sighed.

“Well I think you look pretty,” Felicity interjected.

“But you can’t even see me,” Caitlin frowned as she glanced at her phone sitting on the counter.

“You _sound_ pretty.”

“That makes no sense.”

“What’s your point?” Felicity asked.

Caitlin rolled her eyes at the phone before picking it up and taking it off speaker.

“Tell me it’s too late to bail on this thing.”

“It’s too late to bail on this thing; you know that.”

“How’d I let myself get talked into presenting Henry Allen? Do you know who he is? He’s like a celebrity in this town _and_ he’s Barry’s father!”

“Okay calm down, breathe,” Felicity advised gently. She knew Caitlin was going to freak out about tonight. For once, she didn’t blame her, but for obvious reasons she wasn’t going to tell her that.

“Barry is going to be there.” Caitlin repeated with dread.

“Yes more than likely. You can get through it Cait, although maybe you should talk to him.”

“After all this time? No amount of apologizing is gonna cut it.”

“It’s a start and that’s all you need. Just step out there and say sorry. You have to Cait, you can’t move forward until you do.”

“Who says he wants to move forward with me? That window is closed Felicity. I wouldn’t dare ask him to reopen it.”

“Why?”

“What?”

“I said why, clearly you still have feelings for him. I would be surprised if his feelings for you went away so quickly. Just try. You have absolutely nothing to lose.”

Felicity wanted her to so desperately understand. Caitlin did, somewhere in the depths of her mind, she did.

“I have to go or I’ll be late.” Caitlin sighed into the phone again.

“Call me afterwards,”

“Will do,”

×

Caitlin peered out at the crowd. All eyes were on her, including Barry’s although she had been avoiding looking to her right where he was seated with his family and friends. She took a deep breath, cleared her throat as silently as possible and then reached for the mic.

“Hello, I am Dr. Caitlin Snow and I have the honor of presenting Dr. Henry Allen, Central City’s medical recipient of the year, with this plaque of appreciation. Dr. Allen was employed with the hospital after completing his residency and never stopped providing his patients with the very best care. He dedicated long nights and long hours and wouldn’t rest until he was satisfied that he had done all he could. Dr. Allen, it’s a pleasure and an absolute joy to be here in front of you. I can only hope, along with my other colleagues, that we can do your legacy justice. Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Henry Allen.”

Once she was done, the crowd erupted with applause. It only made her all the more nervous as her heart began to race. Henry rose from his chair, smiling and waving at the audience before joining her at the podium.

“Dr. Snow thank you,” He smiled graciously at her as he accepted the plaque.

She gladly handed it over to him and took her leave after telling him he was welcome.

She thought she’d feel relieved but her stomach was still in knots as she exited the stage. She couldn’t even hear whatever it was Henry was saying. She started to turn and look at Barry but decided against it. As quickly as possible, she weaved her way through the crowd and out the door.

“Was Barry looking?” Cisco whispered to Iris.

“Of course he was. Did you see where she went? I think I lost her.” Iris tried to make out Caitlin’s figure in the crowd of people but failed.

“No sight of her,” Cisco replied.

“Damn,”

Barry glanced in their direction questioningly and they closed their mouths. He wiped his hands and excused himself from the table.

“Is he going after her?”

“Let’s hope so,” Iris whispered back.

×

Her heart beat hadn’t quite returned to normal by the time she stepped outside and felt the cool air against her skin. It felt refreshing; she felt free if only for a moment. After taking a deep breath, she heard footsteps behind her. Spinning around, she was met with Barry staring back at her.

Like a deer caught in head lights, she just stared back, her mouth nearly falling open in surprise.

He stepped forward slowly but stopped within a respectable distance in front of her. He looked at her from head to toe. Despite the sadness he felt upon seeing her, he had to acknowledge her beauty. Her hair was done up in a neat bun on top of her head and she wore a simple floor length black dress.

“Barry,” She said almost inaudibly. She swallowed visibly as her eyes reached his.

“Caitlin,”

“I’d say I didn’t expect to see you here but that wouldn’t be true.”

“I certainly didn’t know you’d be here.” He knew his tone was unnecessarily harsh, but in that moment he couldn’t bring himself to care.

“The other presenter backed out and somehow they decided the new doctor would be the best person to replace her. I—I tried to get out of it but they wouldn’t let me.” She lifted the corners of her mouth into a slight smile before dropping it.

“Hmm,” He just said as he looked past her at the night sky.

He didn’t know why he followed her out here. He wasn’t sure what he hoped to accomplish by it but he did know he couldn’t just turn around now.

“How are you feeling?”

“Asthma is under control.” He stepped forward towards her and then drifted off to the side to take a seat at an empty bench.

Hesitantly she joined him but couldn’t bring herself to sit next to him. She hovered nearby on her feet.

“That’s good. I’m glad you’re alright.”

“Never said I was okay,” He said pointedly.

She knew he wasn’t okay. She wasn’t okay either and she was probably the blame for both of their troubles.

“Barry, I—

He sounded completely drained when he cut her off.

“What is it Caitlin? Are you going to be honest with me _now_?”

His words hurt. She deserved them though; she deserved whatever he wanted to dish out at her.

“That’s fair. You’re angry and I understand why.”

“Oh do you?” His voice found enough energy to rise again, this time angrily. “I don’t think you do.”

“I can’t force you to believe me.” She tried to keep her voice even. She didn’t want to cry right now. She needed to keep it together and talk to him. She had ran away long enough.

Barry scoffed at her comment.

“I don’t know where to start.” She began, fiddling with her clutch nervously. “Nothing I say is going to make up for my actions. I let my fear, guilt and confusion get the better of me. I allowed it to warp my mind and I ran away. Okay? I did. I was a coward and I ran away.”

Her chest heaved as she took the empty space next to him finally.

“When I said I couldn’t lose someone else, I…my fiancé, he died a year ago.”

There. She had said it. She had finally dropped the heavy bomb that was eating away at her, only she didn’t feel any better. She felt worse because she was using Ronnie as an excuse.

“I moved here thinking I could start over. New place, new job, new life right?” She laughed bitterly as her eyes began to tear up.

“It worked for a while. I even allowed myself to be happy with you Barry and I was happy, I really was. That’s when the little voices started, the ones that told me I had no right to move on. I had no right to do that to Ronnie or his memory. I pushed them away or at least I tried to but they left a crack.

A crack that spread when I found out about you and Iris. I know, it’s a stupid thing to use as an excuse, but I took it as reason enough that what we had was wrong. I convinced myself that you and Iris were more than friends. I convinced myself that I should just walk away before I got hurt again.

I was only hurting myself and you. I left you confused, I was confused too. Confused and heartbroken. I couldn’t see that I was in my own way. Ronnie wouldn’t have wanted me to punish myself. He always said that he just wanted to see a smile on my face, that’s all he ever wanted and I—I failed him. I failed you and I have no idea what I’m doing anymore.”

She threw her hands up in defeat before using them to cover her face as she cried. Barry was stunned into silence. It was so much to take in, to try to understand. He needed time to process it but it was a luxury he didn’t have at the moment.

Pushing his own feelings aside, he took her into his arms and held her. He comforted her while she cried and was grateful that she didn’t fight him for once. From the way she sagged against his chest it appeared she had no fight left in her anyways. And that, that broke his heart.

“Caitlin I had no idea.” Was all he could say.

She nodded as she cried, unable to speak in between the sobs. Her makeup was ruined she was sure. So was his shirt. She apologized over and over as she sat up and wiped her eyes. For the shirt, for not being honest with him and for taking so damn long to say it in the first place.

Barry would be lying if he said he could forgive her that easily. He was a forgiving person but even he needed time. However, he was willing to table that for the sake of finishing their long awaited conversation.

 “Cait,” He said as he handed her the handkerchief from his pocket.

She took it with appreciation as she wiped her face.

“I don’t know what to say. I don’t think there is anything I could say to make things better truth be told. I wish you had told me before.”

“I know,” she nodded her head as she looked at the black smudges on the napkin. She was sure she looked down right awful. “I know, Barry, it would have made things so much simpler.”

“Yes, it would have.” He said with a sigh. “Sorry you were carrying all of that.”

“Yeah,”

“Were you even ready for a relationship? Dating?” He had to know.

She looked at him, red eyed with remnants of her makeup on her face.

“I thought I was.” She whispered. “I really did, but maybe I wasn’t. I don’t know. I wish I did.”

She was starting to sound like a broken record even to herself. Barry nodded, his heart breaking even more as he took in her answer. At least it was honest.

“I’m sorry if you feel as though I wasted your time. That was never my intention. I never, ever wanted to hurt you, Barry. I need you to believe that.”

He nodded. He believed that she didn’t set out to hurt him; she wasn’t that type of person.

“I’m not sure where we can go from here.” He said softly more to himself than her. She had no clue either. But she wanted him to know he meant something to her; their time together had meant something to her.

“Barry,” she took his hand.

“Yes?”

“I don’t know when I’ll completely be able to leave Ronnie behind. I have no idea when I’ll be able to fully give myself to another person like they deserve.”

He wanted to pull his hand away but he didn’t. He just nodded, listening on. Pieces of his heart constantly shattering. It was like Iris all over again.

“I don’t want to sound too hopeful but I’m sensing a but in there.”

“ _But_ , I do know I’m not ready to say goodbye to you. Even if my actions said otherwise.”

 _Great, he was being friend-zoned again,_ he thought bitterly.

“What does that mean?”

“Maybe we could just be friends, take it from there? It’s all I can offer.”

“Yeah,” he nodded, feeling his own throat burn with the tears he wouldn’t allow to fall. “I don’t know if I can do that, Cait.”

He slipped his hand from hers and stood on his feet.

“I get you’ve been hurt and you’re in a really bad place right now, but Caitlin you’re not the only one.”

She stared up at his glassy eyes, hoping that the tears didn’t fall because it’d make her feel a million times worse if that was even possible.

“I understand,” she choked out over a cry. “I—I’ll go,”

She stood and thought about giving his handkerchief back. Selfishly and because it was covered in her germs, she squeezed it tighter. Barry held her wrist just as she passed him.

Puffy eyes and a red nose stared back at him but he didn’t care. He wanted to pull her close, kiss her and foolishly think that’d be enough to fix this mess. It wasn’t. He knew that. She knew it too.

“Take care of yourself Cait.”  

She sniffled and nodded. “You too, Barry,”

With that he let her go and she practically ran back to her car. Her colleagues could think what they wanted about her departure. She absolutely did not care.


	14. Chapter 14

Caitlin made a conscious decision to adjust her mood when she got up. She was determined to stop being so broken. After the run in with Barry, she had spent the following days crying whenever she was alone. She cried so much she wasn’t even sure why anymore. She just did. She let every single tear fall; she felt every body raking sob vibrate within her body.

But now, now she didn’t want to cry anymore. She didn’t want to be a shell of herself just getting through each day but not living it. The anniversary of Ronnie’s death probably had something to do with it also.

Thinking of him, his bravery and strength encouraged her to be better. She felt refreshed and renewed as she got ready. It was like she was wearing a piece of invisible armor that somehow managed to protect her from all the emotional stress she had previously been under. Maybe armor was the wrong word; guardian angel sounded much better.

×

All throughout the day she had received an influx of support. In the form of phone calls, texts and posts on her social media accounts, they all shared in her remembrance of Ronnie rather it be a touching message or a picture. It warmed her heart; she didn’t feel isolated. Even Muffins was still being nice to her.

Just before the sun had started to set, Caitlin and Muffins made their way down to the beach with a white balloon in hand. She looked down at the cat who, again surprisingly, wasn’t showing any signs of resentment about being brought outside. She turned her attention back to the balloon held between her fingertips and smiled as she thought of Ronnie.

With one last thought of him, she released it and allowed the balloon to float away. They watched as it drifted higher and higher; Muffins actually chased after it but gave up when she realized it was a lost cause.

She felt lighter during the whole thing. She didn’t know how long it’d last. She had no idea if tomorrow she’d be going back down the rabbit’s hole of sorrow, but she wouldn’t focus on that now. She’d embrace today and relish in its peace for as long as she could.

×

Caitlin walked across the street from the hospital to grab lunch at a nearby sandwich shop. It had recently opened and she had wanted to try it out but hadn’t felt up to it before. She knew she’d run into her co-workers and didn’t have the energy to pretend to be okay on her break. Thankfully her mood was still elevated.

She grabbed the bag after paying for her order and couldn’t wait to dive into it in the privacy of her car when she heard someone call her name.

She turned around, already preparing to plaster the fake smile on her face.

Looking back at her were Iris and Eddie. The other woman waved her over and she hesitantly stepped towards them.

“Hey Caitlin,” Iris and Eddie greeted her at the same time.

“Hello,”

“You want to join us?”

She wanted to say no. The word was literally on the tip of her tongue but the hopeful look on Iris’s face made her nod her head instead.

She sat the brown paper bag down and took a seat in front of them.

“Long time no see,” Eddie commented which earned a swift kick under the table from Iris.

He knew then that it was probably best if he didn’t say anything else.

Before Caitlin could reply, he excused himself to go get more mayonnaise.

“I’m sorry about that. He doesn’t know.”

“It’s alright,” Caitlin nodded as she began to unwrap her sandwich. She might as well eat right? She still had to go back to work after this awkward encounter after all.

“So,” Iris let it hang in the air as she picked up a potato chip, “Barry told me what happened.”

That set off a wave of nervousness inside Caitlin. What she had shared with him was private. She trusted that he’d keep it a secret even from his best friend.

“Well not _everything_ ,” Iris quickly amended when she saw the worried look on her face, “He told me you guys broke up is all.”

“Oh,”

“Look, I’m probably the wrong one to even bring this up but Barry’s happiness means a lot to me. He was happy when he was with you and I’m pretty sure you weren’t too miserable with him. I guess I thought you guys could get past my little intervention.”

“You think that’s why we aren’t together?” Caitlin asked after swallowing her bite of sandwich.

“Well yeah. I know I probably came off like a jealous ex but it really wasn’t like that.”

“That’s not why we ended things. I was going through something privately and pushed Barry away in the process. He had every right to want nothing to do with me afterwards so it’s okay.”

Only it wasn’t okay or at least it didn’t feel that way, but Caitlin promised herself she’d respect his choice.

Eddie returned and Iris dropped the subject much to Caitlin’s relief. The conversation shifted to much more mundane topic like work with bits of Eddie’s jokes here and there. When it was time for her to go, they all said goodbye and went in opposite directions.

×

Thankfully Caitlin’s sour thoughts hadn’t returned. She was able to brush off the lunch with Iris and Eddie and get through the rest of her shift. She even cooked that evening with Muffins nestled up against her leg practically the whole time. The little fur ball liked her; she really liked her or she was a great actress. The jury was still out.


	15. Chapter 15

Barry was getting into the swing of things again as far as his life was concerned. He thought of Caitlin still; she always seemed to linger in the back of his mind. He wrestled to stick with his decision to keep his distance. He _did_ need the time to heal, to process everything to figure out just what all this meant to him, for him.

The easy thing would have been for him to say “sure Cait, we can be friends.” But that’s not what he wanted. He didn’t want to be shoved into the friend zone again, collecting dust. Always the friend; was that the best he could do? No, no he couldn’t allow himself to believe that.

He wasn’t ready to put himself back out there again though. He was sure he couldn’t handle the potential rejection.

A soft knock on the front door jarred him from his thoughts. He sighed as he looked down at the papers he was supposed to be grading before going to answer it.

He gave Iris a quick hug as she stepped inside. He hadn’t seen her since the night his father was honored by the hospital. He had left abruptly after Caitlin, but called and told her what happened in so many words.

“I brought doughnuts,” Iris announced as she held up the small box in her hand.

“Glazed I hope,”

“Always,” Iris shut the door behind her and joined him on couch.

Barry reached for one of the doughnuts and leaned back as he took a bite. Iris ripped a small piece of the fried dough, chewing it slowly as she debated telling Barry about her run in with Caitlin.

“What is it?” He asked. He could tell from the moment he opened the door that this wasn’t just a social visit. The sugary cushion in the form of doughnuts said as much.

“Can’t a girl come over and help her best friend grade papers?” She teased evasively.

Iris decided that it was probably best to stay out of his love life. After all, despite what him and Caitlin said, she couldn’t help but to feel responsible to some degree for the state of their relationship.

“You came over here just to grade papers?”

“Mhmm,” She wiped her hands and picked up a red pen.

Barry watched her as she sat the answer sheet in the middle of two stacks of paper. After a moment, he picked up his spare red pen and joined her. The two of them graded the papers in silence except every now and then Iris asked if she could give a student partial credit.

When they were done, he placed the graded work into his bag and shoved it under the coffee table.

“Thanks,” He said as he reached for another doughnut.

“No problem."

“You know Iris, you’re being really quiet.”

“Are you saying I talk too much?”

“I’m saying something is up and you might as well spit it out.” He deadpanned.

“Smartass,” She scoffed. “Barry I—I don’t want to overstep the bounds of our friendship but I’d feel like a shitty friend if—

“If you didn’t give me unsolicited advice constantly? I thought Cisco had that handled.”

She cut her eyes at him but nodded.

“Is it about Caitlin?”

She nodded again.

“I saw her. Eddie and I did. She looked okay I guess, but she sounded pretty guilty when she was talking about you.”

Barry didn’t say anything. He just looked at her expectantly; he knew she had more to say.

“I’d probably understand why if I knew what happened but I get that it’s none of my business. I’m glad you’re not wallowing around throwing yourself a pity party but you’re not yourself either. I just feel so stuck. I want to help you.”

“You can’t fix everything,” Barry gave her a tight smile then let his lips soften a bit as he added, “But thanks for trying.”

Iris pursed her lips, “What _do_ you want Barry, do you even know?”

“I want what everyone wants, to be so rich that I can pretend to be happy.”

Iris rolled her eyes and shoved his arm.

“I’m being serious.”

“I want someone who appreciates me, someone who can be honest with me, love me…I just don’t want to be alone anymore.”

Iris reached over and rubbed his knee comfortingly. A small part of her wished she could have been that for him; she wished she could have loved him in the way he desired and deserved.

“I’m sorry, Barry.”

And she was; he knew it. She had apologized a million time over their relationship ending although he had been the one to break up with her.

“Do you think…did you think Caitlin could be that for you?”

“Maybe. I want to say yeah, but maybe I just thought that because it was the first successful relationship I had in a while. Maybe I was clinging onto her out of desperation.”

“No. I saw the way you looked at her. Don’t belittle it because it didn’t work out, Barry.”

“I just don’t understand what’s wrong with me.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you.”

“Then why does this keep happening?” He asked as he was beginning to grow irritated.

He was smart, funny sometimes and wasn’t horrible to look at. Wasn’t he a catch? Wasn’t he good enough?

“Please don’t do this to yourself. I should have never said anything, I’m sorry.”

“I’m just frustrated, Iris. I’m not depressed. Maybe I should just get a dog or something. They’re supposed to be loyal, right?”

“Barry,” Iris laughed softly, feeling better because he was trying to lighten the mood.

“I’m alright.” Barry said and looked her in the eyes.

She held his gaze and nodded.

“Wanna watch a movie like old times?”

Eddie had to work late. The new case was taking a longer time to crack than he expected. Plus, she missed just hanging out with Barry.

“Only if I get to pick it out. You go make the popcorn.”

“Fine,” He chuckled as he got up from the couch.

They settled on the Dark Knight. By the end of the movie, Barry had drifted off to sleep. Cisco came home not too long afterwards and Iris left feeling better about Barry’s current state. Maybe he wasn’t his old self completely, but it seemed like he was trying to get back there. That was enough for her.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story is winding down. And although I don't have to, I feel as though I should apologize for all this angst. I promise when I started writing this story there wasn't so much sadness, but there will be a happy ending! That isn't going to change.

She almost lost her grip on her phone as her shopping cart collided with someone else’s. It was the price she paid for trying to browse Pinterest and push a cart one handed.

“I’m so sorry,” The words were already spilling from her lips as she slipped her phone inside her purse.

“It’s alright; I wasn’t watching where I was going either.”

That voice. They both knew that voice.

Caitlin sucked in a gasp as she tried not to stare at Barry standing in front of her. Barry was at a loss for words too. He gripped the cart’s handle until his knuckles whitened slightly. He hadn’t expected to see her, obviously, and now that he had he was more angry than anything else. Angry at himself for still caring, regretful that he had just walked away and disappointed that for a second he thought being friend zoned would have been any better.

“Hi Barry,” Caitlin said once she found her voice again.

She pulled her cart back and looked at him, her eyes landing on his face but avoiding direct eye contact.

“Caitlin,”

“Ho—how are you?”

She felt shy and timid like she was back in school and had just been called out by the teacher.

“I’m well.” Barry’s words were short and emotionless, or at least that’s what he was aiming for. He didn’t want to let on how much she was affecting him.

“Good. That’s great. I’m doing okay too.”

“No more asthma attacks I’m guessing?”

“No, not that you’d care.” He retorted.

He was pushing his cart away as she stared at him in shock. She closed her mouth and looked down at her purse. Suddenly she didn’t feel up to trying that new recipe after all. But she wouldn’t allow one bad moment to set back her progress; she had come too far for that.

Trying her best to remember her last session with her therapist, she focused on that and continued looking for the items she needed. By the time she reached self-checkout, her heart was no longer racing. To say she felt as good as she did when she came in would be a lie though. Seeing Barry shook her, even if she didn’t want to admit it.

×

“So that was it?” Felicity asked via Skype the next day.

Caitlin nodded her head, mixing her ice cream around with her spoon.

“I don’t blame him. Do you? I was awful to him.”

“You were hurt and yeah, you should have talked to him about everything a long time ago but he has no right to say you don’t care. You saved his life. You checked on him when he nearly died _again_. The nerve of h—

“Fel, I didn’t call you so we can bash him. I just…I shouldn’t have told you.”

Felicity bit her tongue. She wanted to say more, wanted to tell Caitlin she shouldn’t be bottling things up, but it was pointless. She was seeing a therapist, maybe she’d share with them. She just wanted her to be okay. She wanted her happy again.

“Sorry,”

“It’s alright.” Caitlin offered her a genuine smile from her computer.

“Listen,” Felicity tapped away at her phone. “I gotta go. My boss is, well he sorta needs me. You’ll be alright, right? If not I can tell him to shove off.”

“No, no. Go deal with that. I’m fine.”

“Thanks. I love you, you know that?”

“I love you too now bye.” Caitlin shooed at her before Felicity rolled her eyes and ended the call.

She felt slightly more at ease after telling Felicity. It still hurt to think that Barry could be so cold towards her. What was worse was she blamed herself for it all.

“One bad moment. You’re allowed one bad moment then you move on.” She whispered to herself, stirring the ice cream again as it continued to melt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because this chapter is so short, I'm posting today and Friday (that's the plan anyways).


	17. Chapter 17

“Caitlin,” A voice called as she was walking by trying to appear as invisible as possible, which needless to say didn't work out.

“Yes?” She turned around to face Dr. Wilkes.

Thankfully after the worst date in history, they somehow managed to not run into each other. And from what she had heard, he was apparently dating someone now.

“I was wondering if you’d like to talk to the students here. You already know you’re one of the youngest doctors here; I think your story would really inspire them.”

Some students from neighboring schools had come to visit the hospital. Various employees took their time to go down to the café where the event was mainly being held to give speeches and answer questions. Some even gave them a demo of what their jobs were like, nothing too graphic of course.

“That sounds like a great idea but—

“Come on, Caitlin. Imagine all the kids you might encourage.”

She could tell he wasn’t going to let up and she had the idea that he was pushing her into this so he didn’t have to go down there himself, but she had to admit he had a point.

“Fine, I’ll go.”

“Great. I knew you’d see it my way.” He gave her a pat on the shoulder and she had to stop herself from rolling her eyes.

“Condescending pig,” she muttered as she headed towards the cafeteria.

×

Barry was sitting with a group of students from his middle school. He had volunteered to chaperone earlier this year when he couldn’t foresee him ever meeting Caitlin and everything that followed. He could have backed out of it if he truly wanted to but he didn’t want to make a fuss. He had to be an adult about this.

And a small part of him hoped to see her. He knew he was out of line with her at the grocery store and owed her an apology.

To his surprise, she was walking into the room and heading towards the pseudo stage area. Alisha, the coordinator of the field trip, smiled as she spoke with Caitlin briefly before introducing her.

The conversations died down and all eyes turned to her. Some took out their phones; others formed a small line to answer questions afterwards.

×

Somehow Caitlin managed to get through the short speech with her heart racing rapidly inside her chest. She had never, ever liked speaking publicly no matter who the audience was.

A short girl with curly red hair asked the first question.

“Why did you become a doctor?”

“Well both of my parents are doctors. My mother still practices but my father is retired. I’d always joke and say it was in my DNA. Perhaps it was. I couldn’t see myself doing anything else.”

Another student stepped forward.

“Are you afraid of blood?”

Caitlin bit back a laugh, “No. It’s not my favorite sight but I don’t get squeamish easily.”

“Has a patient ever asked you out?”

 _Boy, these kids don’t hold back,_ Caitlin thought.

“A lot of them joke to distract themselves from the pain, so yes a few of them have asked me out. I’ve never said yes to a patient though.”

Technically that wasn’t a lie. Barry didn’t ask her out while she treated him.

The final question came from a boy, who was one of only a handful in the crowd.

“Can you tell us a bit more about your experience finishing school so early?”

Caitlin nodded.

“It was terrifying. I didn’t feel like I fit in with the other students. My best friend, still to this day in fact, Felicity, was all I had. We’re the same age so the experience wasn’t so lonely until it was time to go to college. We went our separate ways and I—I didn’t think I could do it. So many people thought I was so mature for my age and in a way, I was. I was also just a scared kid at times though.

I pushed myself. For me, for my parents. I got through it despite my fears and that’s what I hang onto. Sometimes life is going to be scary no matter what age you are, but you have to fight through it. You have to believe in yourself because it’s your journey at the end of the day. Only you can walk it. So yes, you’ll be afraid. You’ll have doubts. It’s normal, but don’t give up. Please, don’t ever count yourselves out.”

When she was done, they all gave her a round of applause. She thanked them from behind the mic and started to step down.

She felt nervous yet she couldn’t deny the swell of pride she felt either. Her brief high took a hit when she saw Barry approaching her. They made eye contact so if she ran now it’d be obvious.

What had she just said about standing up and dealing with things that scare you? Not that she was afraid of Barry. He was harmless, hurt but harmless. She didn’t know if she wanted to deal with _this_ at the moment though.

“That was a nice speech,” He said with a hesitant smile.

“Thank you,” she replied softly.

He looked nervous, she noted. It made her feel happy she wasn’t the only one.

“I wanted to apologize for what I said to you the other day. I feel really crappy about it.”

“Well, thank you for saying sorry.”

She started to tell him he didn’t have to apologize, but no matter what she did she didn’t deserved him speaking to her that way. It still stung when she thought about it.

“Um, so how have you been?”

“Good. I’ve been good.” She answered as she shoved her hands into the pocket of her white coat.

“Great. Yeah, I’m glad to hear it.”

“Mr. Allen?” A student was calling him over.

“I have to go.” He said with a hint of regret in his voice.

He wanted to say more.

“I—would it be alright if I text you sometime?”

The corner of her lips turned upwards nearly involuntarily.

“I think that'll be okay.”

“Yeah? Okay, well I'll talk to you later then.”

“Okay,”

With another quick smile, Barry walked away.

Caitlin’s high returned and she was glad she let Brad talk her into coming to speak after all. She didn’t know what Barry had to say to her, but just knowing he wanted to brought her joy. She refused to think too much on it though.


	18. Chapter 18

A text turned into an occasional phone call. The phone calls turned into coffee plans and before either of them knew it, it was like things were starting over again.

“Going on a date?” Cisco teased from the doorway of Barry’s now opened door.

He had just come in from work and had rushed straight to his bedroom. Cisco didn’t know all the details, but he knew enough, enough to fill in the pieces and draw his own conclusions.

“Don’t you knock?”

Cisco shrugged his shoulders, “didn’t see the need to.”

“And it’s _not_ a date. It’s coffee, what’s special about having coffee together?”

 “Right, right. So why are you bringing out the hair gel, thought that was reserved for special occasions?”

Barry scoffed at his comment. Was it really a big deal if he didn’t want his hair to flop around everywhere? Also, in his defense he had allowed his fringe to grow out a little more.

He ignored Cisco until he relented and left him to get ready in peace.

“This is 100% not a date,” Barry whispered to himself as he sprayed on some cologne. Somewhere else, Caitlin was telling herself the same thing.

×

As Caitlin opened the door to the small café, she willed her nerves to calm down. The scent of coffee brewing helped eased them somewhat. Who doesn’t enjoy the smell of fresh coffee?

She spotted Barry tucked away in a corner near the window. She gave him a quick wave as she made her way over.

“Hey,” he stood up to greet her with a quick hug.

“Hi, Barry,” she said as she returned his embrace.

She slid into the booth opposite of him and he reclaimed his seat.

“Pretty cold out there huh?”

Barry cursed himself mentally. Of all the things to talk about, he opened with the weather of all things.

“It is a bit chilly, but I actually like the cold.”

“With your name being Snow, you kind of have to, right?”

Barry shook his head and was about to apologize for making the lamest joke ever when Caitlin started to laugh.

“I haven’t heard that one in a while.” She smiled.

Barry chuckled slightly as he exhaled. _At least she thought it was funny_ , he thought.

When Barry returned with their drinks, they slipped into light conversation. They stuck to safe topics as they had before. However, the invisible elephant in the room still lingered in the back of their minds and on the tip of their tongues. The night at the hospital wasn’t completely behind them. They both knew it, but neither of them knew how to bring it up.

Caitlin stirred the remainder of her coffee as she glanced out of the window. Allowing herself to be distracted by the pale blue sky and the frost that seemed to be slowly surrounding the world around them.

“Can I ask you something?” Barry asked almost timidly.

“Sure,” She turned forward again to face him.

“Your fiancé…Ronnie, how’d he—pass?”

“He was a firefighter. The fire was really resilient but they tamed it just enough so he could go rescue a little girl who was trapped in the building. He didn’t have enough time to save himself too.”

“I’m sorry.”

“He was a hero and as much as I want for things to have been different, I don’t think it could have been. He was selfless like that.” She said with a small smile.

“I’m sure the family is very grateful for his sacrifice.”

Caitlin nodded. After the funeral, the mother had reached out to her. She couldn’t full accept it at the time, but she did appreciate it.

“When you told me everything started to make sense. You withdrawing, your fear, but I couldn’t see it clearly at the time.”

“I hurt you,” Caitlin stated. It wasn’t a question, it wasn’t a guess; she knew she had hurt him.

Barry nodded as he lowered his head a bit, “You did.”

“Where can we go from here?” Caitlin asked.

“I believe you said something about friendship?”

“Yeah, I did.”

“I think that’s the best start. It’s all I can offer right now too.”

Barry wasn’t ready to put his heart on the line and have his heart broken again. As for Caitlin, didn’t want to do or say anything that could be seen as misleading him. She cared too much about him to hurt him even if it was unintentional.

Whatever could be between them would just have to lie in the future for now. They wouldn’t risk the present for fears of the future or the past this time.

“Thank you,” Caitlin replied sincerely.

“Yeah,” Barry said with a smile.

They finished their coffee. They bid each other goodbye with a silent promise to see each other again.

And somehow from that moment they felt like things would be okay. Their hearts could heal and their bond could grow again. They were getting a rare second chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter and this is it you guys!!


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is it; this is the end!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mild warning: Things get a little intimate but nothing in detail.

Some months had now gone by; Caitlin and Barry continued to grow closer to one another.

Too afraid to put labels on anything out of fear it would somehow ruin it, they just went on enjoying each other’s company.

Sometimes they’d have lunch together if they were lucky enough to get a break at the same time.

They took turns hanging out at the other’s house. They both had grown accustomed to Cisco’s teasing and now tuned him out with little to no effort.

×

“Are you absolutely certain you can’t tell me where we are going?” Caitlin asked as Barry guided her to the car.

He had shown up telling her they were going out only he couldn’t tell her where until they got there. She eyed him curiously for a moment when he produced a blindfold but allowed him to place it over her eyes.

“That’s the point of a surprise Cait,” He said as he shut his door behind him.

“You trust me right?” He looked at her face and could see her lips curl upwards into a smile.

“Of course I do.”

“Then buckle up,”

“Can I guess?” She asked after a few minutes of driving in silence.

“Cait,”

“Okay, I’ll be good.”

And she kept her word. She relaxed in her seat and listened to the music when Barry turned on the radio.

“We’re here.” He announced as he put the car in park.

“Can I take this off now?”

“No,” Barry almost screamed, “I’ll remove it for you; can you hang tight for a sec?”

“I guess so. This surprise had better be worth it.”

Barry hoped it would be too. He went around to retrieve some last minute things out of the trunk. He hurried as best he could to finish setting the final things up so Caitlin wasn’t left alone too long.

“Ready?” He asked as he opened the door.

“God yes,” she sighed a bit impatiently as she reached towards the ties.

“Not yet,” he tsked as he took hold of her hands.

He helped her out of the car and guided her forward.

She listened the best she could for any clues, but nothing stood out to her. She knew they were walking on grass though. She could tell by the way her heels stuck into the ground as they walked. She wished she had worn something flat now.

“Almost there,” Barry said.

He stopped at last and she felt his hands brush against her hair as he undid the knots. She took a deep breath before opening her eyes.

“Well?” Barry asked nervously.

She looked down at the picnic blanket laid out in front of them. A brown woven basket was placed in the corner.

She turned around to face Barry, almost bumping into him since he was standing pretty close to her. She laughed away the nerves.

“Barry this is adorable.”

“Adorable huh? That’s good right?”

“Yes,” She answered as she hugged him.

It might have seemed simple, but to her it was a really sweet gesture.

“Can we sit?”

“Sure,” He held her hand as she took a seat on the plaid material; she kicked her heels off as soon as she could.

Barry tossed his jacket to the side as he opened the basket. He handed her a plate and sat one in front of him.

Like any old-fashioned picnic, finger sandwiches were on the menu. He also had cut up a few pieces of pineapple and placed them in a small container just for her. She smiled as he handed it to her. She was touched he remembered it was her favorite although she never told him outright.

“So what’s the occasion?” Caitlin asked as she ate a piece of pineapple.

Barry shrugged as he took a bite of his sandwich, “just because I guess.”

Caitlin made a small noise of agreement as she continued to eat her fruit. She stole a few glances at Barry.

She didn’t think this was possible a few months ago. She didn’t think she deserved his forgiveness, his friendship or anything more than that. She was so glad she had been wrong.

The second time around had proven different for them but better too. They knew to give each other space whenever they were too quiet, when their faces read that they just weren’t having a good day.

There had been a handful of times when they were together and Caitlin would involuntarily withdraw, Barry wouldn’t say anything. He’d just sit there and wait until she spoke again. If the mood lasted too long, he’d silently take her hand and give it a squeeze, give her a quick hug, whatever he thought she might need.

They cherished this new moment because they knew firsthand what the alternative felt like. This second chance was far too precious and it wasn’t something they were going to take for granted.  

“Barry, you have something on your face.” Caitlin pointed out. Right on his chin was a smudge of mustard.

He swiped at it blindly but missed.

“No, still there,”

Just as she was about to pass him a napkin, she felt a droplet of water against her arm.

“What is it?” He asked as he reached out and took the napkin out of her hand.

She looked up at the now darkening sky and could see all the ugly clouds forming.

“It’s raining,” she whispered sadly as if the sight was a sign for the moment being ruined.

He glanced upwards as he tried to pack up everything. She helped him as the light sprinkle began to pick up.

“Shit, it was supposed to be sunny today.”

“It’s okay,” she said as she picked up her heels and the blanket.

They made it back to the car just in time to beat the heavy downpour.

“I guess mother nature had a surprise oh her own.” Caitlin joked as she listened to the rain hit the car.

“Guess so,” Barry chuckled, “seriously though, I’m sorry about this.”

“Don’t be.” Caitlin shook her head.

They glanced at each other. His shirt was slightly damped and his hair clung to his forehead. The upper part of her dress had gotten wet too.

“We look a mess.”

“ _We_? I still look pretty awesome.” Caitlin teased as tucked her hair behind her ear.

“Yeah, you do.” Barry nodded in agreement.

Without thinking about it, Caitlin brushed Barry’s hair out of his face.

“There, that’s better,” she whispered.

As she was withdrawing her hand, he caught it with his own and held onto it.

The humor disappeared from her face and she sucked in a small breath of air.

He looked at her; she looked at him. The rain fading to the back of their minds as they slowly moved towards one another. 

“Cait,” Barry called softly, giving her a chance to stop if she wanted to.

She shook her head as she cupped the back of his neck and drew him closer to her.

Sure, they had kissed before, before everything had turned so horribly wrong. A quick peak here but nothing more. But this was a _kiss._ It had fired behind it. Barry held her waist with his free hand and then released her hand so he could tighten his grip. With her other hand, she caressed his cheek, ran her fingers through his hair, she just couldn’t believe she was able to touch him so freely.

Barry felt Caitlin began to pull away and for a moment he feared it was all over. They’d realize this was a mistake and be back at square one again.

“Do you think you can drive in this?” Caitlin asked as she tried to steady her breathing again.

He glanced out the windshield; It was a bit foggy but he could see that the rain had eased up a little now.

“I think so.”

“Good. How about we finish our picnic at my place?” She maintained eye contact with him and he nodded, finally putting it together.

Barry couldn’t start the car fast enough.

×

Clothes lie discarded on her bedroom floor. Breathless and content, Barry and Caitlin snuggled against one another listening to the rain that had now a soft pitter patter against the windows, taking comfort in the warmth radiating from both their bodies.

“Barry?” Caitlin called as she laid her head against his chest, tracing invisible circles onto it as she stared out the window.

“Yes?” He rubbed her arm softly, inhaling her hair, relishing in the feel of her skin against his.

She raised her head so she could see his face, gazing in his eyes as she opened her mouth, “I’m ready,” she whispered.

He laughed despite himself and she frowned in confusion.

“Oh, no, I’m not laughing _at_ you,” he shook his head as he rubbed her arm.

“I just—after everything, you didn’t need to say that.”

She rolled her eyes as she laid her head back down, “I guess you’re right.”

“I just wanted you to know.”

“It’s nice to hear it though.”

“It’s nice to say it,” silently to herself she added – _and mean it._

It all felt right.

“I am too by the way, Caitlin.”

“Good,” she smiled before pressing a light kiss against his bare skin, tickling him slightly as her breath blew against it.

“Good,” he repeated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I did these two justice. I didn't plan on it being this drawn out and not nearly so sad. Apparently I have a thing for angst, who knew?
> 
> Anyways, it was never in my intentions for them to get an over the moon-type happy ending, but a peaceful one. I hope I have displayed that and as a reader, I will leave it up to you to come up with what may happen for these two next. 
> 
> I try my best to (unless I'm just writing fluff) to show that relationships are never 100% perfect or ideal. What I hoped to get across here that hope is never gone; someone can learn to love again but the journey won't happen overnight. And I'm on the edge of rambling at this point so I shall take my leave. 
> 
> Thank you reading, commenting and leaving kudos. It's greatly appreciated and a special thanks to Dee for inspiring me to finish this!

**Author's Note:**

> I hate myself for killing Ronnie again. I truly do, but I just can't help but to think Barry and Caitlin are meant for one another.


End file.
